Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Tell Me How You Really Feel

As much as I love writing for my own entertainment, I really like to know that people are reading.  You know how I know?  Comments.  Now, I appreciate the direct to my gmail emails I get from you, but comments are like public proof that people read.  According to the Hollywood producer and/or publisher who could stumble upon my blog, I have no readers.  And so, they will pass me by for the next blogger whose readers actually comment.  And when that happens, dear readers I assume I have, I will blame you.  So, in short, please comment.  Otherwise, I will post your emails for you.  As I have below...

In response to "Masochism and Match.com":

"We're idiots.  Women are more confusing than we are idiots though.  I've tried several different styles when writing my profile and have had about the same success or lack of success.  Minimal interest.  What the hell do women want to hear in those things..." 

"I wish you would write one every day.  I would enjoy reading every morning with my cup of coffee!"

"Hahahaha - this is a good one!! There are so many wack jobs out there! BUT I am glad that you are back out there :) You will find someone!!"

"Another good one!  You're too funny!"

"Hilarious! I laughed out loud MANY times.  There is a book of collected stories about online dating. You should see if you could submit a story to something like that. The editors were on a radio show I listen to the other day. I thought of you..."

I love it.  But please post publicly so other people can see how important I am.  Thanks!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Masochism and Match.com

I just realized that I haven't spoken a word out loud today. And I like it. I woke up early and continued reading a book that was lent to me over a year ago. Eventually, the need for coffee outweighed my need to stay in bed, and I ventured to the kitchen to push the button on the Keurig.

I would have accompanied my coffee with a bowl of cereal, only the milk had gone bad. So, I skipped breakfast and finished my book instead. I have to say though, after reading my last 2 books via Kindle (stolen from my mother) I found it inconvenient to have to turn my own pages. I've already picked out my next book to download (which is even better as the Kindle is also tied to my mom's Amazon account and credit card) which is apparently about how not to be too picky and how to avoid ending up alone. At least, that's what I got from the online excerpt. But, it comes highly recommended by trusted people, so Marry Him - The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb, it is.

Anyway, another month has come and gone. Was October super irritating to anyone else? I mean, so exciting that fall sports have started (woo, Go Caps!) but if I see another pink jersey I'm going to lose it. I mean, clearly, girls can make fantastic fans. But girls. Come on. Ravens fans especially. The color is already purple, so do you really need to sport a pink jersey instead?  The day I try to "Rock the Pink" at Verizon Center, somebody, please stop me.

I've also rejoined match.com. I'm a masochist, I know. But in attempt to help my roommate get over a recent end to a relationship, I offered my support and we both joined together.

Here's the difference...she attracts somewhat normal, reasonably attractive, seemingly successful men. Me? I attract either 65 year old men or 30 somethings that think gang signs and sideways (or, should I say "sidewayz") baseball hats are attractive profile pics. Let me inform you...they're not.

The more profiles I read, the more I wonder what is wrong with people. Or, the more I wonder...am I too picky? Should I be flattered by the "winks" from men old enough to be my grandfather? Should I consider the guys who email me with the subject line of "Hi there pritty, what's you're name"? Should I have a 2nd date that needs to chug a beer before he can carry a half decent conversation? I also wonder what the author of "Marry Him" might have to say about my situation. Am I being too judgmental when it comes to my match.com suitors?

Most recently, I've been contacted by a guy who photographed himself sitting at his kitchen table, wearing no shirt, posing in his best Hulk Hogan "guns" stance. His profile reads, and I quote, "im a laid back kidda shy but tough nice funny a gentleman looking for the same in a woman. not greaty knows how to treat a ladie...."

I'm speechless.  Obviously. And, in case you were concerned, don't be.  You too could have all of this, all for just $40 a month.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Desperate-er Housewife

The more I read (and re-read and re-read) my college essay, the more I realize how long its been since I wrote it. 

A friend pointed out another fault with my essay...I'd assumed that I'd receive a paper invitation to the reunion.  Formal invite, asking for my attendance.  Reply card and everything.  But, no.  I was invited simply by Facebook.  I received a friend request from my class president, followed by an immediate event invitation where I could reply electronically, and also post comments on the event wall.  Maybe by the time I get married, it'll be totally normal to just text a date and time and just skip the whole invitation process in general.

Also.  I'd imagined a prom like reunion (again, I'll refer to Romy and Michelle...great movie if you haven't seen it, by the way) in the high school gym/auditorium.  We'd all meet back in the place where we originally formed our cliques, and reminisce as we walked through the overly decorated halls of a place we now knew as our alma mater.  But, no.  Our reunion was held at Power Plant Live, where I frequented too often during college.  Often enough that I didn't feel the need to visit again.  Not even for my reunion.

12 years.  Have I really changed that much in 12 years?  I don't feel like its been that long, and I certainly don't feel like I've really done much in all that time.  But, during my first day off in over a week, I decided to be productive, and I continued to discover what 12 years really means...

At 17, on a day off, I might have slept until noon.  Then, I would have driven to Dunks for a blueberry coffee.  From there, I might have spent the day with my friends driving around in my silver Saturn, getting a manicure, going to the mall, and then trespassing after hours on a school playground.  After that I might have gone to a party, where clearly parents were present.

Yesterday, I did this...

I woke up at 8:30am and forced my self to fake sleep for another half hour.  I got up, made my own coffee via Keurig in the kitchen.  As I drank it, I threw a load of laundry in the washer, got dressed, and drove to Columbia to meet my friend and her two kids at Target.  I bought a box of cereal and some laundry detergent, and then drank Starbucks while attempting to maintain sanity amongst her two kids. 

From there, I drove back home, moved laundry from wash to dry, and threw another load in.  Then I cleaned the kitchen.  Deciding to take a break, I sat on the couch to watch an "On Demand" episode of a recently discovered favorite show, How I Met Your Mother.  I saw my own future as I watched the episode where Ted goes on a blind date with a girl who he realizes, he's already blind dated 7 years prior. 

Realizing I hadn't eaten, I poured a bowl of my newly purchased cereal.  It got soggy as I'd already poured the milk when I, A. Bought cheaper Target brand cereal because I've become my mother, and B. Realized I needed to swap the laundry again because, I've become my mother.

I decided to have soup instead.  Because there was some left over, I searched for a tupperware container to save the rest when I realized, I have lids that have no matching container, and vice versa!  How does that happen?  Where does it go?  Well this was just not ok,  so, begin project "match lids to container and throw away the rest."  Riveting.

That was essentially my day.  So this morning, after folding my final load of laundry, I sat down with my coffee to finally watch this weeks Modern Family (seriously, if you don't watch this show you have to...I literally lol'd for nearly the entire episode).  In one of the scenes, Claire, mom of three kids over the age of 10, realizes she has mismatched tupperware, and so she begins the same project I completed yesterday.  

Somehow, in the midst of the last 12 years, I've skipped the regular steps of husband and kids part, and went straight to becoming my very own desperate housewife.  Lucky for me, not only do I still have my grandmother offering to pay for more time online soulmate searching, but my mother, even while vacationing in California, full time searching for my husband offline.  Every day, my parents send me an email with a picture of something in CA.  Yesterday, it was a picture of them lunching in Laguna Beach, the day before, my dad living his dream on a Pebble Beach golf course.  Today? 

Email subject line:  Good Looking Men. 
Email:  Your mother sending this for you. SWAT Team. 
Picture:


As much as I've started to become my mother, I vow to never go this far...she likes the one in the black t-shirt.  And yes, she said "Excuse me, you're very cute, can I take a picture of you to send to my single daughter in Baltimore?"   Hopefully she followed it with "But she's very good at cleaning and doing laundry..."

Friday, September 24, 2010

One Enchanted Evening

"The lights dimmed as music from the late 90's hummed in the background.  I stepped into the auditorium, took a quick look around, and scanned for familiar faces.  Disappointed, I pivoted and started to the steps.

"Diet coke please," I requested politely.  Already needing fresh air, I took my drink and headed back out through the double doors.  I took a seat on what used to be my favorite bench, and placed my soda next to me.  Last night, I sat awake in my bed, stared at the ceiling, as so many things ran through my mind.  I'd envisioned the invitation that now sat on the nightstand beside my bed.  "The class of nineteen hundred and ninety nine cordially invites you to share an Enchanted Evening, May 21, 2009, for its 10 Year Reunion." 

It was interesting to me, and somewhat scary, that so much time had passed since I'd seen so many people I'd once called my friends.  What have other people done with their lives?  Would my real life meet up to the expectations people had for me?  I felt as though I'd just stepped out of Romy and Michelle's own high school reunion.  Would people believe I'd invented Post-Its?

I still haven't come up with the perfect way to describe my life.  My teaching career is everything I could ask for.  I work in an elementary school near home, teaching 2nd grade to a great group of kids.  My husband is a successful journalist, writing for the local newspaper where we live in Amherst, Massachusetts.  And, with two beautiful children, a dog, and a house with everything but the white picket fence, I have everything I've always wanted.

Thinking about this as I sat outside the reunion, on my favorite bench, just me and my diet coke, I realized something I hadn't before.  I'm happy, and even though I haven't done anything particularly amazing, I've done everything I'd set out to do. 

It was then that I wanted to share how far I'd come with everyone I bumped into.  So with that, I stood up, and walked back through the double doors, more ready than ever to have that enchanted evening with the people who awaited me in the dimmed auditorium."

That was a college essay I wrote in 1998 to the theme of , "Where do you hope to be in 10 years time?"  It's funny (and also depressing?) about how wrong I was about the life I'd imagined for myself back then. 

A teacher?  I'd made it exactly one semester in the education program before I realized that if I ever was going to have kids, I couldn't spend my entire days working with other people's.   

A husband?  Not much need to delve further into this I don't think.

Kids?  No thanks, not now.  Maybe one day?  No promises, Mom.

Massachusetts?  I'm guessing this was my essay for UMass Amherst, and yes, I did get in.  And maybe had I gone there, I might have relocated (or have a husband?) but I chickened out, stayed local, and went to Towson U instead.  Now that I think about it, I haven't even been to Massachusetts...

So clearly, my psychic abilities failed me at 18 and I got it all wrong.  And in an effort to get my life back on track this year, I created this "Mark My Words" page.  Now, I realize that I've done a terrible job at resolutioning after June. That said, I've also realized that its close to impossible to make so many significant changes in a year. Its not an easy thing to realize that your life isn't where you thought it would be. And its not an easy thing to figure out, and point out, all the things that are wrong with your life, (even if its just the fact that you can't keep up with your laundry) all while giving yourself a time limit.

I'm going to spend the next few months refocusing on this. Although that was the idea from the beginning, I think I went about it the wrong way, and have proof that it was considering that I feel less progressed than I did on New Years Day, and have epically failed at resolutioning and documenting.  So game back on.  No pressure on myself, as I'm not promising weekly changes.  But, I can assure me, and you, that I plan to make the best of the end of 2010.  And, as things progress, I will share.

As I'm sitting here typing and drinking my Bailey's and coffee, I've also just realized another thing I was wrong about in 1998.  Most incorrectly, I'd imagined that in ten years, in a stressful situation, I'd order a diet coke to calm me down?  Ha.  So so very wrong...

Monday, September 6, 2010

Sometimes You Want To Go Where Nobody Knows Your Name

On September 3, I was finally freed from my 3-month eharmony duties.  I kept my end of the deal, met no one, and feel that I've proven my point about the lack of potential boyfriend that the .com's hold for me.  The same day, I got invited to participate in an eharmony free communication weekend, and received an email from cyber competitor, match.com, for a 5 day free trial.  What the hell, I thought...I love free things!

So, I updated my very old profile, and began my search for a soulmate (insert sarcasm here.)  Here's the problem.  I need to move.  Out of 10 pages of what the site describes as "matches," I realized one thing.  I have either A.  dated these people, B. gone to school with these people, or C.  decided previously that I do not want to date these people.  Way too many familiar faces on this website.  Way WAY too many.

But here's the issue.  In trying old fashioned ways of meeting people (i.e. in real life) I have not had much luck.  And by luck I mean I am not being approached by what you'd consider to be an available man.  I've become way too close two too many times to becoming an unintentional homewrecker...

I was sitting at a restaurant/bar a few weeks ago with my roommate.  We'd gotten off of work and decided to be wild vs. lame and actually do something with ourselves for once.  So there we sat, chili garlic edamame and a glass of Malbec within reach, when we got approached by a group of 5 semi-normal looking men.  Semi-normal, taking into consideration the one guy who was teetering with every step, looking like he drank one too many bottles of tequila moments earlier.

So the group of 5 in detail...tattoo guy, button down shirt guy, wine guy, drunk guy (will become vomit guy), and, the other guy.  Tattoo guy and button down shirt guy took an immediate liking to my roommate, and wine guy approached me with a line of "What kind of wine are you drinking, looks like you need a refill, can I buy you one?"  He then proceeded to tell me he can tell me what I'm drinking just by looking at it.  Knowing that I had a rarer form of red this evening, I challenged him.  He failed.  He continued to fail, even after tasting it, obnoxiously, with a swirl, sniff, slurp, and swish.  After finishing it, he insisted that he just buy a bottle for us to share.  Fine by me.

And so we did, shared a really good bottle of wine, and, to my surprise, conversation.  Wait just a minute, I thought to myself...a nice, normal, single guy in a bar, really?  I must be crazy, but this seems to be going great!  During the few hours of chat, the rest of the crew split off around us...tattoo guy and button down shirt guy stayed with my roommate, wine guy, drunk guy, and the other guy with me.  Somewhere during all of this, drunk guy left, threw up on himself, and then washed his shirt in the bathroom sink.  Button down shirt guy had the brilliant idea of trading shirts with him, so now vomit guy was wearing a too tight button down shirt, and button down shirt guy was wearing an inside out and soaking wet t-shirt.  And no, I am not kidding.

Previously known as button down shirt guy comes over and says "Shauna, vomit guy wants your number, he really likes you but he's just drunk and shy and won't ask you himself."  Umm, no.  So politely, I declined.  Almost immediately, wine guy gets defensive.  "What, he wants her number?  Are you kidding dude, that's not cool, we've been talking all night."  And the page turner of the night, the other guy, a man of few, but always important words says "What do you care, you're married." 

Annnnnd, done.  Not only was he married, but, he was a newlywed.  AND, in a super dirtball move, he had switched his wedding ring to his index finger on his right hand.  Fantastic.

Then, more recently...the guy at work.

I was helping out in Columbia mall this past week when a guy and his mom came shopping.  After they left, he returned, alone this time.  Oh jeez, please don't return that hair product...you look so much better now than you did before I styled your hair!  But no, he was not returning to return.  He was simply back to let me know that he liked talking to me and thought it would be a great idea to give me his business card so we could talk again.  Umm, ok!  Now THIS is how you meet people, look at me go!  We talked some more, and got on the topic, somehow, of hockey.  He asked if I was a Caps fan, and then proceeded to tell me that he and his family are huge Caps fans.  Then he said "Yeah, but my girlfriends family is from Pittsburgh so...." and his voice trailed off into an "oh sh*t" kind of place.  Really?  Really!  What is with these people?? 

I think I have nothing left to say... except for maybe I really should consider moving?  Here, a large percentage of my online matches are people I already know, and those I meet in real life face-to-face scenarios all seem to be married, taken, or 80.  I won't get into detail about that guy but let's just say he wasn't an option...fml.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

The Lesser of Two Evils

I know. It's been a really, really, REALLY long time since my last post. However, in my defense, I'd been sans internet since July 10 and work somewhere that has a firewall designed for criminals.

But, lucky for you (and luckier for me), now that I have cut my ties with Verizon, (who, for the record, is the devil) my internet is working again and I'm full of things to write about. For example, let's talk about how much I hate Verizon.

I hate Verizon. Simply stated, harshly felt, HATE.

After deciding to upgrade my service to include long distance and faster internet, the upgrade resulted in no internet at all. For over a month. Until the point that I was driven to such I hatred, I have now become a 100% Comcast household, the lesser of two evils for sure. I hate Verizon.

Two days off of work sitting and waiting for a technician, hours and hours on hold, only to partake in frustrating, pointless phone calls to tech support, and still, no internet. I hate Verizon.

I was unable to do anything. Couldn't pay or view bills online, which as an eco-friendly paperless bill receiver, is an issue. Instead, I had to pay "convenience fees" to make my payments by phone instead. My wasted e-harmony money is even more wasted now because I couldn't even pretend to want to check my latest daily matches, and my Netflix account became pointless because I couldn't watch free movies online. Oh, and I couldn't blog. I hate Verizon.

Not only are they by far the worst utility company to deal with, but they are stupid. As if it wasn't bad enough that it takes the better part of an hour just to speak to a human, they make you continuously angrier as you sit, and wait. "For trouble with your internet, press 1." 1. "If you are unable to connect to the internet, press 1." 1. "Please hold." Holding.

27 minutes of elevator music later, "All of our operators are still assisting other customers. Did you know you can get faster service by visiting www.verizon.com, 24 hours a day?" Umm, yes. Yes I did. Which is why I'm trying to have you fix it. Because the internet makes things faster. But unfortunately Verizon, I pressed 1 because I am having trouble connecting to the freaking internet, so I cannot visit your freaking website!

And now, although I have working cable, phone, and internet, all not through them, its not over yet...I just received my final amount due, which includes charges of $70 for the "free" wireless router that came with my upgrade, another $70 for a second wireless router that I obviously would not have needed, and, full service charges for the month of July.  I tried to log in to my verizon.com account to view the specifics of the bill and to make a payment, but apparently, am unable to view bills online now that I have closed my account.  Excuse me while I go waste several more hours of my life on hold, only to lose it on the possessed billing rep who will likely tell me to visit the online site for faster service.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Pick a Card, Any Card....Again

We were supposed to go to Disneyworld. Instead, we ended up at the psychic...

While my friend C's husband was away at a bachelor party, we were going to live it up...me, an actual single girl with no ties to Owings Mills. Her, a weekend off from married life...unchosen, but happening nonetheless. Unfortunately, we're all talk, and our 4 day weekend to Mickeytown never got booked. So, we decided on an overnight to NYC. Clearly, that was too expensive on super short notice, so DC it was. Except, it wasn't, and we ended up going nowhere. Except to Mt. Washington Tavern and the psychic.

It wasn't the first time I went to Savetta. In a prior blog entry from back in the day, I shared parts of my first visit with the lady who claims to know everything and proves she does know some things. Last time, I discussed how I safely avoided the death card during my tarot reading because I believe I have psychic abilities myself. This time, she told me that I have psychic abilities that I'm not completely connected to. Weird.

This time...

She told me I'm a happy person on the outside, a jokester, and that I cover up my real feelings. She told me that I'm a hard worker and that I work in a business that helps people. She wondered what it was that happened to me 7 months ago that caused so much doubt, confusion, and pain. Huh...

Apparently, in the next 4 years, I'm going to own my own business and will be very successful. I have two men in my life. One, from the past who has not let me go, and one from my present, who I already know. This guy cares very deeply about me and I should open myself up to the possibilites of him. Of course, she did not tell me who on earth this guy was, or, where I could find him. Then, she told me I would live until I'm 97. Of course I am.

Since I have no idea who this "present guy" is, I'm assuming she didn't get it all right, so I guess I better get cracking on this eharmony situation, because 68 more years of life is a long time to do it alone.

One problem. My matches are crap. Of the 97 people I've been matched to, I've been intrigued by less than a few. Then, the one guy who I got to the "must have/can't stand" stage with couldn't stand pretty much everything about me...he "can't stand" people who aren't strongly spiritual, need alone time, or, have a sarcastic tendency. Great job on that match eharmony. Really, I applaud you.

Almost one month down and two to go. This just might be the worst $50 I (my grandmother) has ever spent. I'm trying so hard to get you some fun date stories, but, if I can't get past the stage 2 level of communication, its going to be hard. So, here's to hoping that my next set of matches consists of a healthy handful of men who "must have" a sarcastic , agnostic, independant woman. Sing it, Beyonce.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Third Times A Charm?

Ha. That's what comes to mind when I think about today. It was ridiculous when I woke up at 5:37am when I didn't have to work until 10. Ha. It was typical when I got in line at Dunkin Donuts this morning, behind someone who was apparently catering a party for 700. Ha! Laughable when I pulled into the parking garage at work to open the store and couldn't find a parking spot! Ahahahaha!

Really, it was one of those days.

On my lunch break, I noticed a nice looking guy engagement ring shopping for his girlfriend. I also noticed him flirting as he entered the salesgirl's phone number into his Blackberry Storm. I'm going to guess that that marriage won't end well...

When I got home today, I felt lucky to be alive. Considering the 3 funny times I almost got run off the road on 97, given the finger multiple times all for unknown reasons, and then when I finally made it home, I could barely contain my road rage behind an off duty cop who was driving side by side to another car, windows down, carrying a conversation from his car to theirs. Really? Really. Ha!

Now I'm in bed trying to force myself to fall asleep. Clearly, its not working. What is wrong with me? I should be passing out the second my head hits the pillow. Lately, in all my non-plan cancelling, I've been partying like a (lame) rockstar! Trying to find balance is seemingly impossible. I have very little spare time because of my unsteady work schedule. But, when I am off, I want to be hanging out with my friends, not resting up in preparation for my next long day of busyness! That said, I've been having a blast, but am feeling (and looking) like a rundown trainwreck. Whatever. At least most bars are dark until last call when it simply doesn't matter anymore..

To catch you up on some recent events...

During a family dinner at my 'rents house, my grandmother informed me that she'd like to sign over a check to cover three months of internet dating. As I choked on my green bean, caught myself from falling out of my chair, and resisted the urge to vomit, she informed me that she'd really like me to give it just "one last try." I told her that that is what the last two times I followed her advice for were. "Third times the charm," she said.

So, after a few weeks of annoying conversations at family dinners about who the most recent internet matched couples were, I've succumbed to the pressure, braced myself, and joined e-harmony for a bargain price. Thank you coupon code.

For a mere $44, I have 3 full months of access to my most compatible matches. Woo. 3 days, 29 matches, and zero interest later, I'm pretty sure I wasted perfectly good money that could have been put to much better use...in a bar.

Good news is, I have a feeling that I give in and go out on actual nightmare dates, I'm going to have so much to write about! So, although this may not be the way to my soulmate, I'm pretty certain that its the way to a writer's block free world!

Moving on...I'm guessing its obvious that I haven't been documenting my resolutions in a while. But I do have a few worth discussing...

First. I may be known as the girl who always wears black. Don't get me wrong, I'm far from goth, hardly depressed, and definitely not color blind. I do, however, think most colors are ugly, and have trouble venturing out into the dangerous world of primary, pastel, and neon. However. I have recently been experimenting with mild colors like gray, green, and even a little purple. We'll see how long it lasts.

Second. I've purposely been living selfishly. I like to do what I want when I want. I'm thankful every day for the fact that I've yet to have kids, and that my world can revolve solely around me. Being less selfish is probably a pretty solid resolution considering that it can tend to turn into a really bad character flaw. So, when my roomie asked a smidge over a week ago what I though about getting a dog...I was hesitant. And then, she showed me her picture.


How can you resist that face? So I didn't. And so now, for just under 2 weeks, we have become parents to Bella. And I use the word "parents" quite appropriately. We've been up several times at 2am to walk her, then again at 5, and again at 7. We've cleaned up some pretty gross messes. And, it's a whole 'nother being you have to remember to feed. Crazy considering the two of us have trouble remembering to eat dinner half the time ourselves!

On the bright side though, she is SO cute. She loves being a lap dog, and for about 15 more lbs, she can be. She's super fun, fvery riendly, and so far, a really good dog! Although, getting a dog has proven kids to be even more scary now. I thought about it being pretty similar (almost exact really) until I realized that it couldn't be more different. After all, I'm pretty sure that when your kid has done something wrong, you'd be frowned upon if you proceeded to rub its face in its own bodily fluids, dragged it outside on a leash, and then locked it up in a crate with no toys...

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Cinco De Crapo

It's been a rough few weeks and today became the icing on the cake. The cherry on the ice cream sundae. The straw that broke the camels back.

Nothing happened in particular, but weeks of long days at work, sleepless nights, and too much time to think about everything that sucks has kinda taken its toll. As if my recent resemblance to Shrek wasn't bad enough (side effect of insomnia...at least I hope that's all it is...) my extra hours of hard work are not yet paying off, I found a shoebox full of pictures and paraphernalia during spring cleaning that forced me to reminisce and then be sad, and, I didn't even get to drink a margarita (or 7) in attempt to forget about it all because I got stood up for plans. (Don't get excited, Mom, it wasn't a date.)

So, what better day than today to start back up with resolutioning. For a while now, I've been terrible at commitment. I'm constantly cancelling plans with my friends. Most of you can probably name a recent last minute cancellation due to either absentmindedness, illness, exhaustion, work, work, or... work. Sad, but true, if you don't live in a 1 mile, last minute plans kind of radius from me, chances are you haven't seen me in months. Although some of these cancellation reasons are out of my control, moving forward, I plan to do whatever it takes to become a more reliable person again. Knowing that I can't be depended on right now is horrible, so whatever it takes, I'm going to win the lottery and not have anything else to do ever except make plans and show up! Or, if by any chance that doesn't happen, I'll do whatever it takes to make sure that I will do everything in my power to be there when I say I will. No excuses.

Basically, I'm on a mission to find balance. In the meantime, I'm going to find some tequila. Crappy, I mean, Happy Cinco De Mayo everyone!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Eyes Wide Open

I'm an insomniac and I hate it. I want nothing more than to sleep. I've been in bed since 6pm with a terrible headache, and yet here I am. Awake. And did I mention, I hate it?

For some reason, over the last week, my mind is working overtime. I'm not even certain what its thinking about because my thoughts are hardly anything serious most of the time. Since I got in bed, I've thought about the need to buy more coffee, catch up on Lost, and remember to call work in the morning. I've logged on to Facebook about 800 times for no reason because I really don't even know what people do on there that they find so entertaining. So then, since I'm not entertained, I find myself thinking about things I don't want to think about, and now I'm stressed and can't relax enough to find comfort on my pillowtop mattress.

So, perfect writing opp. Except, with all the thoughts in my head, I can't come up with a damn thing to write about. Ridiculous. So, instead I'll just document random thoughts.

I completely disagree with the winner of Project Runway this season. Team Emilio.

I don't understand why, with all the things we can do with technology, I can't watch TV when I'm taping two shows.

Capitals. Win on Monday. Please. XOXO.

Is it wrong that I want to see "The Backup Plan?" starring JLo?

Is it wronger that I found a scratch off lottery ticket in my wallet that won $2 and I actually felt like a winner?

An 8 year old kid developed a crush on me the other day during my work event. I know this because he asked me for a pen. Then, he gave me his digits. My love life is getting progressively more embarrassing to discuss.

Adult men...why ask for a girls number if you have zero intention of calling her?

The lack of sleep is causing me to consider doing crazy things. I think I need to drink to a blackout stage. Rumplemintz anyone?

Monday, April 19, 2010

Be Careful What You Wish For

I've apparently become uninspired, unmotivated, and unliked by my readers, as I lost all control over my resolution to resolve. The more I think about it, the more I realize the the recent overwhelming "un's" are because I'm overwhelmed by 52 resolutions. I mean, let's be real for a hot second here...if I really had 52 things I needed to change about myself, I think I'd need more than a blog to help me get there.

I mean, sure. I could probably list off more than enough things to change, but I don't know that all of them are serious enough to document. I mean, after all, I've already had one feisty reader argue that laundry is not a resolution. And being that, to date, I've failed to keep up on said topic, I still beg to differ.

That said, I'm back, and I'm going to do this. I just can't promise I'll reach the "52." I'm hoping that without the pressure of having to come up with a new ordeal each week, I'll be re-inspired, re-motivated, and, of course, re-liked by all of you.

I will get back to resolutioning asap. I also may need to revisit a few from earlier in the year, as I've fallen off almost all of those bandwagons too. Except I've done exceptionally well, if I do say so myself, with one...

I've remained (pretty) open minded when it comes to dating. After so many years not thinking about it, there comes a time when you realize that you do kinda want to be noticed, maybe want to be approached, and potentially even start to date.

Unfortunately for me, this is not necessarily a good thing. Flattery is what one might feel when the waitress comes to your table and says that her other table wants to know if we were single. Shame is what you feel when you tell the waitress how old you actually are, and she returns moments later to let us know that the boys regretfully decline as we are a little bit out of their dateable range. That's right people, had I kept my mouth shut, I almost got hit on by a 20 year old with a fake ID, and I, at the ripe old age of 28, could have been a cougar...

Fast forward a few minutes on the same evening when a couple of, we'll call them "interesting" boys sit down at our table. Charming, in a dirty, obnoxious, inappropriate kind of way. So charming that my new bf couldn't remember my actual name, and because he decided I was Spanish, him and his "boyz" called me "Spaniard" for the rest of the night. True love, I'd say.

Most recently, I was approached by a man who told me about his two divorces, and 2 daughters...one 25, one 27. Although I'm not good at math, I calculated quickly and determined he just may be a tad older than me. I carded him, saw he was born in 1954 (I wish I was kidding), and followed my friends as they laughed their way out of the bar.

I've also been on a few dates (not with any of the above) and I think its safe to say that I'm not entirely terrible at it. I mean, don't get me wrong...I'm definitely not at all good at it either. But,at least I didn't trip over my own feet, fall on my face, and I can honestly say that I completely resisted the urge to play with my food. Maybe on a future date, I'll be able to avoid shredding my napkin and will attempt to partake in conversation that I otherwise might have attempted to ignore in order to watch the hockey game that I might have conveniently and purposely positioned myself to be able to watch over my disaster date's head...

Go Caps!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Tube Tops and Flops

OK so I suck at life. And blogging. But, its not my fault. On March 8th, I wrote this "Tube Tops and Flops" entry and this stupid website saved it after I accidentally deleted it in its entirety.

I'm finally over it and ready to rewrite so here we go...

I am constantly referring to my ever active aging process. Gray hairs and wrinkles are just the visible parts, and more recently the emotional aging began when my 5 year old cousin got his driver's license.

I thought that was the icing on the cake until I went out for drinks. At Batemans. In Towson. Near the college. That's right people. 69 cent bottles, and so I changed out of my leopard print Snuggie and into my stilettos...

Apparently its been a while since I've been to where the cool kids hang out. As I walked into the bar, a nice bouncer man put out his hand, and I, honored, handed him my ID. He shook his head and asked me for a $5 cover instead. Ouch.

I looked around and it seemed kinda lovely...cheap beer, not (overly) crowded, cute bartender...I think I love this place! Fast forward an hour? There was a line out the door with people waiting to get in, and I remembered...the real cool kids don't go out until after 10.

Nosiness kicked in, and I became fascinated with the young life I'd been detached from for so long. To my left, a redhead, probably stoned and definitely wasted, tripping over herself and spitting as she spoke, trying to woo the guy that had just hit on my friend. He had stood just moments before in disbelief when she explained that her "awesome ring" meant she was married.

To my right, this:



(I did the math, and no, the year is not a typo.)

In front of me, I watched as scantily clad girls did phallic things to their beer bottles, while guys watched in awe. Groups of people circled around singing and dancing like no one was watching. Screams and yells sounded when "Single Ladies" came on, and I thought, oh children, if you only knew.

My attention moved quickly to a girl in a black lace embellished tee. She appeared to be there alone as I watched her make her way around the floor trying to befriend/dance inappropriately with anyone that would have her. And they did, for a hot second, until they realized she was kind of a mess.

Later, we had the chance to meet this girl face to face while waiting in the bathroom line as she explained to us that it might be a great idea to just pee in the sink. Oh no dear, after you! Now I'm not saying I didn't have drunk moments of insanity back in my very long time ago day, but is this girl for real? You tell me...



After deciding to avoid the STD's on the toilet seats and not break the seal, we lathered up in antibacterial hand gel and headed back to our friends. I was both shocked and delighted to finally hear a song I knew the words to! Let Me Clear My Throat (uh huh, uh huh!) Now that's a song I'd dance to...except the dance floor was still filled, only now with confused 1989'ers trying to dance to an old school jam they'd never heard before...

And there it was. The moment of clarity. It happened just after noticing the judgemental stares had changed direction and were now headed toward us. Obviously, we had drawn too much attention to ourselves with our rapping and we'd now officially been tagged as the old people. It was time to go. Good thing too, as I feared I was nearing the point of considering alternatives to standing in line for the ladies room.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Pain, Pain, Go Away

I'd love to know the job of the driver of the BMW convertible that's been parked on the street under snow for three weeks in my neighborhood, leaving it impossible to properly plow that entire side of the road.

I'd also love to know what it is that my neighbors upstairs find totally necessary to do at 8am every day. My snooze button (or alarm) hasn't even been necessary this week. Yesterday it was vacuuming. Today I believe they were moving furniture as a part of an aerobics routine. Both days though, I didn't have to be up early, yet both days, I was.

And yet I wonder why my doctor told me my stress and anxiety is too high.

Maybe its customers at my store who insist we sell a product I've never heard of. Or perhaps the hostess at the bar the other night that changed the channel mid-hockey game, questioning, "What, you don't want to watch the Maryland game?" Umm, if I did, I could watch it on the other 37 TV's in here that are showing it. Could also be the fact that the Caps prefer to barely win games most of the time, making every last second an edge of the seat nail biter, rather than just holding a few goal lead.

Could it be the stalker woman from Brick Bodies, who, even after telling her I joined Gold's for half the price, continues to call me on a daily basis? Or the scam artist at work who calls like clockwork every morning, insisting he's from Verizon, yet asked how to dial a number that has letters after referring him to the corporate phone number.

Now that the stress has started to come in the form of physical pain, Doc says I need to regulate and balance it. But without having to tow a car, move, get a new job, stop watching hockey, and change my number...how exactly do I do that?

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

You Snooze, You Lose

Happy March! Two months down in 2010 already, how did that happen? Let's reflect...

After starting the year off with plenty of alcohol and a plan, I entered month two an already changed girl. Writing, reading, picture taking...I continue the attempt to make myself better...

Week one...packing my lunch. Congrats to me, I haven't done half bad. The main key here is I didn't work a whole lot in February, and packing lunch the few days I actually worked was easy. I love snow days.

Week two...laundry. And I'm happy to report, I'm all caught up! That's right...so fresh and so clean. Clean.

Week three...enter positive attitude on dating. Still working on that one. But I've stopped throwing up in mouth every time I think about it, so I'd say that's a huge step in the right direction!

And, week four...eyeshadow. Laugh if you will, but it makes a difference. I look better, and feel better. Especially after my first day of using my new shadows and having the Nordstrom E-Bar guy tell me I had beautiful eyes. Woop!

So. Here we are. March. And the first thing I'm going to do in March? Is stop hitting snooze.

Every night, I set my alarm to factor in the 4 nine minute naps I'll take after I wake up. And every day, by the time I finally get up not well-rested, and annoyed that I took away quality sleep just to wake up and stress about the alarm going off again. So, from now on, I allow myself one snooze per morning, and then, its up out of bed for me. If I don't give myself the time, I won't be able to stay in bed. At least, that's the idea.

As a side note, I had a request to post a happy thought after my recent top ten things I hate. So, here we go...

Top 4 Things I Did Not Hate This Week (Sorry, I can only think of 4.)

4. I got it in my head that I wanted lamps for my end tables. Normally, when I picture something in my head for the house, it takes me months to find/commit to it. But, I drove myself to Target, and not only found lamps, but the last 2, and, mix and match shades, also the last 2, all for under $20 each.

3. I got my bridesmaid dress for next week. I was nervous about the fit since I purposely ordered 2 sizes smaller than measurements suggested (I've done this before, so I thought I'd try to trick the system into a more secure fit right off the bat.) Was relieved (and the other half panicked) when I found out that I had no trouble getting the zipper up, as I did not even have to unzip the dress at all to put it on. Thank gd for seamstresses.

2. I am no longer an old lady living alone with my invisible cats. New roommate moved in, and so far, so fun. Other than the minor detail of the closet collapsing (twice), the move went smoothly.

1. I joined a gym. At the end of January. 2 days later, I was advised by my physical therapist to not use it until they gave me the go ahead. Well, I got the go ahead! No longer wasting $30 a month, me and my new 4-visit trainer Ethan will be pumping some iron at Gold's. I can hardly wait to be surrounded in sweaty meatheads doing bicep curls using their own body weight as I struggle to carry the 10 lb. weights to the mirror...

Time for bed and I can hardly wait to sleep an uninterrupted, extra 27 minutes tomorrow...

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Some Like it Hot

After visiting MAC last week for my quarterly visit to stock up on new makeup, I've decided that I need to stop being so lazy about actually wearing it.

A. I work in the industry, and although I look a lot more done up than most of my guests, my makeup routine has gone from full face to eye liner, mascara, and blush.

B. I have too much of it to avoid. I mean, makeup artist or not, it's verging on embarassing.

C. I feel much better about myself when I have eye shadow on. So, although some of you may not feel this is a quality resolution, I disagree. Isn't being able to feel better about myself the ultimate goal of this entire year? So yes, I argue your point and I make eye shadow my new resolution for the last week in February.

As for last week, no new love or lust to report. With new positive attitude towards dating, I've had to spread my negativity elsewhere. So now, instead of dating being the brunt of my jokes and the reason for why the world is unquestionably intolerable at times, I find myself blaming everything else.

Top 10 Things I Couldn't Stand Last Week:

10. Finding out that koala's aren't bears. Then why do we call them "koala bears"? I mean really, that's just stupid.

9. If you asked me what I've spent the most time doing over the last 2 yrs, I'd say driving. And by spending so much time in the car, I've grown to loathe dumb people. Broken down cars on the side of the road are not cops. We do not need to slam on our brakes for them.

8. That said, if you are a rule follower and enjoy speed limits, get out of the left lane. Same goes if you are guilty of #9. Or maybe just get a driver. Its safer for everyone.

7. I am not a waitress for several reasons. I don't feel like carrying a tray over my head, especially one full of drinks. I also am impatient and will be irritated if you bother me for refills. People who are unable to recognize these faults in themselves while working in the service industry should be fined. No, I do not want the check lady, now leave me alone!

6. Painting. Although it sounds like a great idea, I assure you its not. Thinking you can paint a room all by your lonesome without kicking a hole in a wall from frustration (that you, yourself will need to spackle and sand) is unrealistic.

5. Prepackaged stir-fry sounded like a great idea. Fresh (frozen) vegetables with a sauce packet. Or so I thought. After spending 45minutes boiling brown rice, I come to find out that I picked the one bag of stir fry sans sauce packet.

4. Drive up ATM's and parking garage ticketing dispensers have a very specific implication. Drive up. Not pull up sort of close but not close enough so that you then have to get out of your car to reach. Again, learn how to operate your motor vehicle.

3. I was walking passed a mall couch the other day. On it? Even worse than what I saw at Pazo last week. A teeny-bopper couple, laying down, covered in a blanket, half empty bottles of root beer on the "coffee table", while watching TV on the free FIOS HD that hangs there.

2. Days off of work have been ruined because I can't watch Ellen. An evening out has become irritating because your friends can't pay attention long enough to what your saying to follow your story because they're too busy watching ice dancing on the TV behind you. Winter Olympics? Snore. I'm over you, see you in 4 years.

1. PF Changs dinner, wine, coffee and fortune cookies. Great night! Excitedly, we opened our cookies to find what our fortunes would tell. "You are talented in many ways." Eh, not really a fortune but, OK. "No need to worry, you will always have everything you need." I like it. "The love of your life will appear in front of you unexpectedly." Hey! Who stole my fortune! Mine? "Some like it hot. Eat more Kung Pao."

Monday, February 15, 2010

Oh Happy Day

I'm trying to figure out what on earth happens to people on Valentine's Day. I mean, sure, who doesn't like balloons, chocolates and flowers? But there's something else in the air on this day, and I'm pretty sure it's drugs. I really tried, but I simply cannot fathom how people are so much more in love on this day than any/every other day.

I walked into dinner tonight, choosingly detached from the 4-letter word and all things associated. But immediately, I noticed that I had walked into my very own nightmare. It wasn't just the dimmed lighting and the heart decor that made me want to purposely choke on my Orbit gum. It also wasn't just the obvious crowd of couples having "romantic" dinners together to celebrate this Hallmark holiday. What it was, though, was the abnormality that everyone looked extremely, blissfully, gag me with a spatula head-over-heels in love.

I'm not being bitter that I'm alone. Really, I'm not! I'm being dead serious when I say that the crowd more resembled a weird zombie-romance movie cast than actual real life humans.

I turned to my left and 3-5 couples were gazing adoringly into each others eyes. To the right, 3-5 more. Behind me, they had moved on from gazing to making themselves right at home on the couches, intertwined and nearly X-rated. (Which, by the way, I hate. Major pet peeve of mine is people who occupy couches in public the same way they would in their own living rooms. Go home.)

Normally, you find couples everywhere you go that look like they'd rather be doing anything else. Staring each other down like they want to kill the other, or arguing, or just, not speaking because they no longer care enough to. But nope, not on Valentine's Day. On Valentine's Day, love, or floating ecstasy particles, is in the air.

So during dinner I may have made a few teeny tiny, minuscule even, negative judgmental comments about the "L" word. I followed these comments with my take on getting back into dating. My date (fine, friend) told me, pretty much, that my attitude would likely not help me with my singledom. Shocking, I know.

So, I don't know that I can necessarily say I'm jumping in head first to this, but I can say that my newest 2010 life altering change is to...ow...hurts to say it...not be (so) opposed to dating... And let me reiterate that this is going to be a difficult one considering that just a few hours ago, my thoughts were so anti that I'd rather do my laundry.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

"Loads" Of Fun

It's time for a life altering life adjustment. One that will take hard work, persistence, and determination. I've put it off long enough that the humps had turned into mountains, and now that they're gone, I never want to see them again. To you it may seem simple. For me, it's something that has always haunted me. For years, I've faced this never ending battle, and mark my words, this is the year I overcome it.

This week, I face laundry.

I don't know why I've always hated this chore more than all the others. If you gave me the option, I'd choose cleaning the bathroom. A bathroom stays clean after you've cleaned, at least for a little while. But laundry? Noooo. You catch up on laundry, and then, that same night...more laundry. And then, after you've gathered enough similarly colored items, you have lights, darks, towels, linens, shoot me because you still have to wait for it to dry, iron (ha, that's a whole different resolution) and, the most terrible part...put it all away. I may have even been guilty from time to time of the "which basket was clean, now I have to wash both" ordeal!

It's just too many steps. Too time consuming. And frankly, I'm way too busy and important to deal with it. But, seemingly, for right now, I guess until someone else realizes just how too busy and important I am, I don't really have a choice in the matter.

So here I go...I will, from here on out, every week, do my laundry every Sunday. And by "do", I mean wash, dry, and hang/fold. Laundry will not sit wet in the washer. It will not sit dry in the dryer. And it most certainly will not sit rewrinkling itself in a laundry basket.

Aside from thinking I just might be setting myself up for failure for the first time this year, I'm also starting to think that I'd make a really terrible wife...

Sunday, February 7, 2010

SnowmaGetOverIt

Hey guys, did you know it snowed? Omg there is soooo much snow on the ground. Car shoveled out! Snopocolypse! Snowmageddon! Blizzard X!

Those, just a few of the most common excerpts from Facebook statuses over the last few days.

Haha, lol, etc, etc. Now can everyone please just stop? I mean, I don't mean to snow on anyone's parade, but I cannot take it anymore. Yes, I know it snowed. And you know what? I could've guessed that eventually you would be shoveling. I also know its cold outside and that there's nothing like a cup of hot chocolate your "hubby" made for you. (Except there is. I bet my Bailey's and coffee not made by your husband would trump your chocolate powder water any day.)

Next, I'd like to inform you that the pictures of the blizzard from your backyard look just like the snow here. So save the battery on your digital cameras, and the time it took you to post them on Facebook, and know that I'm doing fine with out your picture updates of your buried car.

I'm quickly becoming convinced that nasty weather brings out the worst in people. What started out as stir-crazy has settled into bitter (as you may have noticed), and I find myself nearing the point of setting up a dingy lawn chair in my parking spot, or, just driving right over top of someone else's.

Anyone else looking as forward to 12 more inches as I am?

Saturday, February 6, 2010

The Next Betty Crocker

Next time there's going to be a blizzard that's going to keep me snow bound, I'd really appreciate if it didn't follow the week I was couch bound because of a back injury. You can only do so much "nothing" before it starts to drive you crazy.

For example, my mother called to tell me that my father is "The Bird Man." Umm...? Well, apparently, they hit rock bottom even faster than me, and have now taken an unhealthy liking to the birds attempting to eat from the snow covered bird feeder. My dad has apparently been feeding them for hours, and has a photo diary to prove it. My mom thinks he's doing it as an excuse to drive somewhere, as he now needs to go to the grocery store to buy more bread.

In attempt to not accompany my father's example of a strange, strange day, I have tried to stay busy. Sheets changed, dishwasher run, laundry almost caught up. But because I woke up at 8am, by 10 I was already bored.

For those readers who know me (please let me continue believing that I have readers I don't know about), I don't bake. I don't really do much of anything in the kitchen unless it follows my 3 ingredient limit. Crock pots, good...ovens, bad. And because I'm the anti-Martha, I don't even keep mixes (cake, brownie, cookie, etc) in the house. But today...as the stir-crazy sunk in, I not only just baked, I made brownies...from scratch.

I tried one, and so far I haven't died. I actually might go as far to say that they came out pretty darn good! So yes, you may call me "chef." And assuming I stay alive until Monday, the rest are for my very lovely girls at work, as I'm pretty sure they need to be bribed not to quit since they've had to work during all the snow this winter since I'm too far away to get there...

Anyway, now I'm spending some time looking for volunteer opportunities. A few of you have expressed interest in accompanying me on this task, so here are some things I've found:

Girl Scout Troop Leader. I'm not sure if you need qualifications for this, but I'm 99.9% sure that if you do, I don't have them.

Baltimore Heart Ball Volunteers. A gala to support the American Heart Association. Volunteer work AND a party? What's not to like?

Animal shelters. Here I take a risk...going alone, coming home with newly adopted pet.

Soup kitchens. Spend a morning helping to serve hot food during this very cold winter to the homeless.

Aside from the girl scouts, these all sound like something I'd really like to devote some time to, but considering my recent inability to watch The Price is Right or a Folgers commercial without crying, I'm wondering if my hysterical outbursts would be inappropriate rather than helpful?

Let me know if you have other ideas or are serious about participating. I'm planning on making some calls to turn this talk into action...

Now as we know, I also had to pack lunch this week, and lucky for me, it was almost impossible not to succeed! I was only at work Monday and Wednesday, and both days, I was good. I may have bought an iced green tea from Starbucks once or thrice, but other than that, I did it! It's highly unlikely that I'll never buy lunch again, but I will carry on this rez' through the year by saying I will do it nearly never.

Stir-crazy is kicking back in and I think I might brew up some dinner. Teriyaki stir fry with brown rice? Iiiiii like it. And I like even more that this stuff will come straight out of a bag...

Monday, February 1, 2010

Paper Bagging It

How on earth has en entire month come and gone? See this the problem with getting old...Your life starts to pass you by so quickly that you don't have time to time to realize that your life is passing you by! And here I am, 1 month into 2010, and I wonder...have I done anything right?

I'm not saying I'm discouraged about my road to a better me. More concerned really. Should I already feel like a changed person? Or, is ok that I am still just trying to pave the way?

This month, I've challenged myself to get back to thing I've missed (the measurable, reading and writing), get a life (and take pictures to prove it), set a budget (and stick to it), and become a volunteer.

I've hit a few road blocks. The reading and writing I think I've done ok. I've read almost three books, and, have written 17 entries already! However, the get a life slash follow a budget still seem to be conflicting with each other, and I've yet to find a way to make the two run comfortably together. But I'm working on it.

Week 4, due to the bedridden injury, will be addressed week 5, alongside my new undertaking...

Start packing lunch (or dinner) for work every day. And then actually eat what I packed. I can't lie...I work in the mall, and often, CPK or Nordstrom Cafe sound a hell of a lot better than the paper bag in the fridge. But, I think this could help my wallet a lot too! The key to this is food shopping, though. It's hard to pack a lunch when I'm fresh (or for 3 weeks have been) out of fruit, yogurt, bread slash everything you need to pack a lunch.

Luckily, I can start out on a high note this week because while injured, my mom went to the store for me and stocked my fridge. Not only am I a spoiled only child, but, now I feel like a real adult when I open the fridge and see food where an empty space used to accompany the 32 leftover Natty Boh's from my snowed out Christmas party. Thanks Mom!

Friday, January 29, 2010

The Accidental Couch Potato

Dear Drivers of Multiple Cars Who Rear-Ended me on Halloween 2007,

Just thought I'd check you in and let you know my back is crap since the disk you slipped has apparently never properly healed and, my sciatic nerve has literally become a pain in my ass. And leg. Excuse me for thinking I could blow dry my hair without injuring myself.

This week, I have spent nearly every waking minute propped up on pillows, strapped up in heat, and hopped up on Vicodin. The Vicodin has barely helped, other than the sporadic distraction by the severe nauseau and dizziness it brings on. I'm also convinced that it causes very strange dreams involving water balloons, the Atlantic Ocean, and Bruce Boudreau.

I have been forced to use almost all of my paid sick time, and may I remind you that its only January...

I have missed out on my new favorite outing...half-priced wine night on Tuesday, plus, my Thursday night plans, a Friday play date with (one of the) cutest babies, and whatever potential social spectaculars I might have attended this weekend.

I'm so glad this all happened the same week that everything on TV is a rerun. Other than a new Project Runway, I had little to zero DVR to catch up on, forcing me to try and entertain myself with Lifetime movies. Unsuccessful. And, because I could not sit up in a chair for longer than 10 minutes until today, I have neither blogged nor researched any community service opportunities in order to assist me in my 4th week of successful resolutioning.

Next week, I return to physical therapy, and hopefully, my life.

Anyway, hope you and your backs are doing well.

Sincerely,
Bored, Broken, and A Little Bit Wishing I Had Sued

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Extreme Makeover: Me Addition

After trying to get my dollars in order, I have confirmed that my life = unaffordable.

Conveniently, Comcast phone and Verizon Fios TV are not available to me, so my $99 dream deal must remain a dream. I do, however, get to continue the nightmare of paying 2 separate bills whose total amounts to more than double my fantasy.

I called my credit card companies. And after choosing the two that had the best of the worst percentages, my mom informed me that closing my other cards negatively effects my credit score. So, they stay, solely for the purpose of one tank of gas a month to be charged on them so they can be paid in full at the end of the month. Per my credit research, this is a good idea. Apparently.

I did my budget. Not going to discuss. But I will say that it resulted in a weekend of near zero spending. With the exception of Friday night (I have to have SOME fun, right?) I had a free Saturday night dinner with my family followed by a free Redbox viewing of Cape Fear at my aunt's house. This followed by Sunday morning at my parent's house and then an afternoon of laundry. Also free.

Ever have one of those weeks? Well, I just did. Although my financial makeover is for the best, I believe it has aged me 10 (or 30) years. The forehead wrinkle discovery was rough. But today, I found gray. Two gray hairs that were so prominently placed, I looked like Stacy London. But not anymore, as they have been carefully removed and flushed, along with the days of dyeing my hair for fun.

In the last few days, I've lost a lot of sleep over fine lines, money, and tonight I'm sure, because of my unwanted silver streak. So now, I have bags under my eyes too. Super.

But it's time to get my mind off the tough road I have ahead for my week 3 resolution, and conveniently so, its time for week 4. Community outreach.

I'm embarrassed to say that I can probably count my volunteer efforts on my fingers. One year on Thanksgiving, when I was around 14 years old, my parents and I volunteered at a soup kitchen. It was so long ago, though, that the only part I remember is that when we came out, our car had been stolen. Most recently would probably be my philanthropic attempts to raise money for the National Kidney Foundation through my short-lived sorority sisterhood. And that was not yesterday.

But that's about to change. After watching tonight's teary episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (you may stop judging me now), I'm feeling inspired to help others.

It's obvious that I need to do something that makes me feel like I did something worthy of a full nights sleep. This week, I'm going to do some digging and contact organizations that need volunteers. I'll let you know what I find out! After all, Ty Murray says I, too, can make a difference...so let the change begin!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

A Different World

When you're growing up, you and your friends are mostly the same. You're surrounded by the people who are the closest in age to your own, and together you go through the ups and downs of growing up. Your first crush, your first kiss, starting high school, getting dates for the prom, going to college, etc. You ride the roller coaster, basically, together.

Recently though, I noticed something else that age shows (other than the wrinkles I've recently found standing prominently on my forehead.) As we get older, we find ourselves forced to break away from those people as we're forced to take on life at completely different paces.

After college the real world begins, and it starts to take you places you can't predict. Buying houses, meeting "the one", getting married, having kids...and it's all at a different time than the people that have, for so long, had all of these firsts right along side of you.

I realized something sad tonight. And let me preface by saying I have the most wonderful friends in the world...

I might need new friends.

I never realized what being in a relationship does to you. Good and bad, it changes you more than you realize. Ive grown up with 90% of my closest friends, and 95% of my total "best friend" clan is married. Luckily, I look around at the people I love and really feel strongly that they've chosen people who compliment them. And that's great! But after being in a relationship for so long, especially when it doesn't work, you realize you get so comfortable, that your entire self changes.

For example, for the last few years, I was completely (most of the time) content in working, having dinner, watching TV or a movie, and going to bed. The urgency to go out and be doing something all the time had dissipated, and the calm was what I sought out.

If I went out for a few drinks, I was content to return home by 10, because I followed suit of the people I was with, and was happy to get home in time to greet my boyfriend home from work.

But that's all changed. And for better, for worse, I'm in a different boat now. Now that my near 5 year relationship that kept me up to par with my married/relationshipped friends has ended, I realize, months later, my state of mind has seemed to change right alongside of my status.

I feel the desire to be social again. I want to be out and not at home feeling sorry for myself. I have the urge to pretend I'm cooler than I really am and stay out until the bar kicks me out. Only problem is, all of my friends? Their lives haven't changed at all. And I can't expect them to change because of me. After all, they still have each other, and they still are perfectly content with the unenforced curfew of being asleep by 11 on a near daily basis.

This is not meant to be a sob story. As I type it, I'm not even sad. I just realize how strange it is to be in such a different place in life in just a few months. And even stranger, how different I feel from the people closest to me.

So fine, I've discovered it might be nice to have people in my life who are going through the same stage of life as me. But I also know this...I don't want new friends! I like these people and I'm not going to enjoy hanging out with anyone on a platonic basis more than them. So now what?

I'm thinking there needs to be a meeting site (and no, not Facebook) like, I don't know...friendmatch.com? And I think for me, this challenge of online friending could be even worse (if possible) than online dating. Because, if there was such a site, here is what my profile might say...

"Newly-ish single gal, looking for occasional person to hang out with, not serious friendship. I have enough friends, and frankly, I don't have time for you. However, if you're willing to meet me out at 10pm when all my real friends go home, that would be acceptable. Would also be nice if you had nice guy to fix me up with so I can stop wasting my time with you and go back to the days of contentment in my own house, while catching up on my DVR. This plan, also much more supportive than bar hopping, of my quest to save money (please see blog for more info on current financial status.) Call me!"

It's a good thing that, A. This site doesn't actually exist, and 2. I don't actually want new friends, because frankly, based on that winning "About Me" section, I wouldn't even want to friend me.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Rags to Riches

50 weeks to go. I'm promising to continue on my life-getting and picture taking, but in the meantime, I forgot to mention my week 3 resolution...

This is a doosey...here it is: Begin to free myself from financial hell. How? Well, I'm not 100% sure considering I'm not sure I make enough money to afford myself, but I do think there are some changes I can make immediately to help. Other than winning the lottery that is.

Number 1: This is what got the ball rolling...On Sunday, after realizing I needed to pay a $383 BGE bill, I called to enroll myself in budget billing. I can't survive another near small heart attack after opening my most recent bill.

Number 2: This week I will call all of my credit card companies and ask for a drop in my APR. After, I will close all cards but one (two?) And limit my cc spending.

Number 3: I will call my condo association and find out if I am able to switch to Comcast for phone and still be able to use my call box. If not, I will find out if there is Verizon Fios capability yet. I really could benefit from these "triple play deals" if possible. I dream of this day.

Number 4: Advertise myself for odd jobs to make extra $$$. Anyone need a babysitter? Makeup artist? Plant waterer? Prostitute? (Sorry family who reads this...totally kidding. I think?)

Number 5: Make an appointment to have my taxes done with someone who doesn't charge almost as much as my rebate to do them. After all, my favorite time of year is getting MY money back from the government.

Number 6: Figure out my 2010 budget. Basically, not in line with operation "get life" because my excel spreadsheet is likely to leave me no room for a social life.

Number 7: Make a list of ways to have fun for free. Suggestions welcome.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

My So-Called Quarter Life

I was singing my heart out to "Love Is A Battlefield" in the shower the other day, and I'm not gonna to lie, I kind of sounded like a rock star. Like Stevie Nicks kind of good. Like, I could be the next American Idol kind of good (assuming that I wasn't over the age limit and that I was allowed to bring my shower and all of it's wonderful acoustics with it...otherwise, my vocal resembles closer to that of a dying cat.)

Anyway, not the point. Point is...during my heartfelt rock ballad performance, it hit me.

I'm going to live until I'm 112. Turns out, the quarter life crisis I thought I was having at 22? Nope, false alarm...it's happening now. I'm being faced (again) with questions of "What do I want to be when I grow up" and "How the hell do you start to date again at the late age of 90 (28) when I haven't even had to flirt in over 5 years?!" That's terrifying! I don't even know how to talk to boys anymore!

But, the unknown kind of seems just a little bit exciting to me too. Empowering even. Or, it could be the consecutive nights I spent with Jose, Goose, and the 7 Deadly Zins that's helping to turn the sheer panic into what I perceive, while under the influence, to be empowerment...but I'm going with it.

Anyway, as for current weeks resolution...you may have noticed the only pictures I've posted are of random sandwiches and toilet paper, and yes, they may be the only pictures I've taken other than these:


But I didn't just perfectly peel an orange (that's supposed to be good luck you know) and finally get my alarm system installed (knife is back in the kitchen! Hammer stays) this week. Operation get a life, go places, see people, do things, has kicked off to a slow but fantastic start. I officially finished reading Bright Lights, Big Ass, and I do think its celebratory even though it took me 2 years.

I spent my days off having lunch with 2 of my friends that I should see way more often than I do.

I literally partied like it's 1999. And yes, I forgot my camera. I went to bars I haven't been to since college and I don't think I've stayed out as late as I did on Thursday night in 10 years. Only (major) difference is, ten years ago I was 10 years younger and I confirm that it is shocking what a difference that makes in how you feel when you wake up the morning after.

I've got mini-trip plans in the works, and pictures will be required. This is the year my life comes back to life via photo album. Right now, if you were basing it off that, you may be lead to think I died in 2006.

Operation Get A Life was an important one that had to be taken on early year. It needs time to grow and flourish into something wonderful by '11. In the meantime, thanks for all the calls, comments, and emails that I've gotten about not writing in a few days.


I'll do better, and maybe I'll even do a demo bathroom recording for a future update... Now if that's not a cliffhanger, I don't know what is.

Disclaimer: I lie. My singing, even in the shower, may not be quite as good as I led on and will never be recorded and posted for the public to hear. Ever. Thank you. And, you're welcome.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Proud To Be An American

After arriving at jury duty around 8:15am, like a timely little citizen, I chose my seat carefully. End seat, middle row, back section, prime TV spot. Over an hour later, the world's loudest breather arrived and chose the seat next to me. If I didn't have swine flu last week when I thought I was dying, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have it now.

Because of the number of us, and the increasingly obvious lack of system in place (don't they do this every day?), it took over two hours just to get checked in. And for me, it didn't help that I was behind the one woman (out of the 179 potential jurors) who came on the wrong day.


To occupy myself after finally checking in and reclaiming my seat, I glanced around the room to find my fake boyfriend for the day. A swing and a miss. The best looking guy here happened to be sitting directly in front of me, but he lost his edge when I noticed that I could see my reflection in his hair. The Aveda salesperson almost came out of me as I fought the urge to say, "I notice you like to add a LOT of shine to your hair...what products are you currently using?"


The man next to me had started to snore and talk in his sleep. The two women behind me, although perfect strangers, did not shut up since they got there. In case you were wondering, because I apparently was, the first one was 38 years old and works in Congress. She also worked for a very long time was an insurance underwriter. The other loud mouth was 68 and on social security after spending her prime years as a business owner. I could go much further into detail but I will spare you, as I wish I could have been spared myself.

11 am...My $15 for lunch is buying me a bottle of wine instead. Or, seriously considering buying this t-shirt.

I also would have liked to have spared myself from the movie they put on. Secondhand Lions, which I've seen on three different New York bus trips before today. There are over 10 million movies in the world (per Wikipedia) and yet I'm officially being stalked by this once mediocre, now unbearable, not-good-enough-to-be-chosen-for-every-public-movie-viewing-opportunity flick.

And no, the start of the movie was not enough reason for the women behind me to shut the hell up.

11:07 am...Correction...the $15 for wine is buying me a (cheap) bottle of vodka.

Lunch break got announced at around 12, advising us that at 1:30, 120 jurors would be called into the court rooms. Because of my sheer lack of option, I tossed aside the bottle of booze for the opportunity to get out of that room and eat.

Deciding not to venture outdoors in the freezing temps, I headed to the Court House Deli (I may have made up the name) just downstairs. I ordered turkey on wheat with lettuce, tomato, and pickles with a small Maryland crab soup instead of chips. $11 gone (not including my drink), I opened up what appeared to be chicken noodle and tuna instead.


On the way back from lunch, I followed a 50-year old man that had taken a liking to me after my shoes had been stopped by security (don't ask), onto an elevator that just happened to be evacuated moments later as it was being surrendered for prisoner transport. Umm?

Before heading back into the holding area, I stopped by the ladies room. Perhaps the best part of my day is when I noticed a Master Lock on the bottom left of the toilet paper dispenser. You know you're in a place frequented by criminals (ahem, alleged criminals) when a fear of TP theft is at hand...


Still laughing, I headed back in just in time for them to announce that the judges were still not ready to begin. 120 jurors would now be called at 2:30pm instead. I began to half read, half watch wretched movie, again, in a time-passing attempt.

My number got called into the court room. A criminal case. Fancy! This part was actually really interesting and hilarious. Interesting because I never really knew what went into a jury selection. Hilarious because people are really, really stupid. At one point, the judge asked if anyone had any type of relation to anyone in the law enforcement industry. One juror actually stood up and said, "What type of relations are you talking about?" And if you could have seen the look on her face, you would have known she was seriously considering "relations" that did not involve being "related" to anyone at all.

The state and defense attorneys finally agreed on a jury. In the end, I was not one of them. However, one of the chatty women AND Mr. McBreathe were both among the chosen 12! If nothing else, that is going to be one extremely noisy jury deliberation room.

5:15 pm correction: The $4 left over is going towards a new prescription to Paxil that I plan on requesting from my doctor first thing tomorrow morning.

Until then, I will resort back to my original plan and drink that bottle (er, glass?) of wine and I will do it knowing that it will be at least 3 years before I have to report back for duty or be forced to watch Secondhand Lions again.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Week One Done

Let me start off by saying that I have jury duty tomorrow which is why I haven't finished my books. My guess is I will be bored out of my mind and will need a major distraction, like reading (and finishing) my books!

Although the week is over, my resolutions are things I really want to change. Going back to things I love doesn't stop here, and the best way to hold myself accountable is to commit, in writing, so that I know that all 12 of my followers (so far) can hold me to it.

So, in line with week one, over the course of 2010, I hope to write consistently (not daily, per say) and plan to read at least one book a month. Both can be good for my brain, which lately I feel may be losing steam.

As for this week, operation get a life and take pictures is on. So far my plans include jury duty, working, and ADT installation. Should make for a riveting story board. Stay tuned.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Devil in a White Dress

I've been around the bridesmaid block a time or two. Or seven. And during my reign, I've shopped for quite a few wedding dresses in quite a few different types of stores. Betsy Robinson and Gamberdella's - bridal boutiques in Pikesville and Towson, and Stella's and Nico's - better bargain bridal boutique-ish wannabees located in downtown Baltimore.

Today though, I went to David's Bridal...

Imagine hundreds (not exaggerating) of crazy women, recently possessed by diamond rings, scrambling around a store as if there weren't 10,423 dresses (I think that's where I lost count) to choose from. Every person working there is built like a linebacker, just so they can pummel through the crowd of maniacs near the dressing rooms so that they can quickly gown their assigned brides.

For every bride, there are 2-5 people who accompanied her on this monumental outing, designated to "ooh" and "aah" over her in every dress she tries on...even the one's that should never have made it past the designer's sketch pad.

Lucky for my bride, she chose two people who would be honest with her from the start. Two dresses barely made it out of the dressing room, and if she began to like a dress we hated, we told her. That's what you're supposed to do. Right? I mean, if I ever end up on the other side of this bargain, I would want my people to tell me when I'm more resembling Shrek than Cinderella.

I've said some very bad things about David's Bridal in the past. And after today, 98% of those things haven proven true. One percent leftover is the fact that they actually sell some really nice dresses, some just $99, and the other 1% is the beautiful, $1000 dress that we found on sale for just $299, that just might have been made with my friend in mind.

Unfortunately though, today was the last time I set foot in that hole. Although a fun day with a happy ending, I think after nearly being run over by an attendant with a dress cart, I don't think I'll be visiting this anti-customer service bridal rave again.

Sorry Mom & Dad, but if this girl ever gets hitched, it ain't gonna be in a $99 dress from DB.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Close, But No Bubble Gum Cigar

Today officially marks one full week of blogging! As for finishing my two books, this was a bold first resolution. I'm giving myself until Sunday eve, and then a new resolution will begin on Monday. That said, I'll count the next two days as week one and will hold myself accountable for two more days of writing.

Anyway. I went to Columbia Mall today with my friend and her two very cute kids. While shopping, we went into Janie & Jack...world's cutest baby store. So cute, in fact, that I had a teeny, tiny (or something even smaller) moment where I thought having kids of my own might be kinda fun.

I want to have kids and dress them up in cowboy hats and boots. Santa outfits in the winter (or Hanukah Harry for my mom...but I bet that outfit is not nearly as endearing), and in a nautical fashion during warmer weather. My boys can wear plaid like a little tiny lumberjack or golfer. Ooh, and collared shirts like a miniature business man. My girls will wear dresses and ballet flats, and outfits will always be topped off with hats, bows, or headbands.

False alarm. My desire to have kids of my own vanished quickly. In addition to the crying that surrounded the need for naps, I realized that all I really want to do is decorate kids, not have them. I'm almost concerned that I'd dress them up to a point that could be considered abusive, so at this moment, it appears I'd make an unfit mother.

In the meantime, I'll look forward to spending days off with my friends and their kids. And I can say this genuinely and wholeheartedly because I can be surrounded by their adorable-ness, but most importantly, I don't have to keep them.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Hammer Time

Living alone again has been an adjustment. It's weird not having anyone else to talk to at any given moment. Strange to no longer have automatic plans every night of the week, and odd to go to sleep and wake up next to no one. I'd replaced what once was someone else's side of the bed with a body pillow and, a stuffed animal. Ok, fine. Two stuffed animals.

On one specific night during that very first week, I had come home from working a closing shift. I was trying to find comfort in the silence as I sat on my couch with a glass of wine, watching my DVR of Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice.

Just as I started to finally relax, I heard unusual (and alarming) sounds coming from what sounded like my bedroom...

I immediately muted the TV and listened to the sound of what I thought was someone trying to drill their way into my house. A few minutes later, a knocking sound followed, which is what I thought was the intruder letting me know they had successfully made it inside. Needless to say, there was no intruder. Either my imagination had gotten the best of me, or my neighbors had taken up a new hobby of late-night home repairs.

Just as quickly as they came, the body pillow and stuffed animals were replaced by a very large hammer and, a butcher knife.

And after just a few mornings of waking up to a sharp blade by my side, I decided it was time to install an alarm system in my house. And I had just gotten a coupon for $99 installation!

I live on the bottom floor, which, gives easy access in from every possible window and door to my home. So a $99 install? Only true if you simply prefer to keep burglars from coming in through the front door. Every extra door and window? More dollars.

Good news is though, that after 2 months, much research, impressive haggling, and a little bit of telling off a company (ASG Security, the 11th largest security company in the country, per my 14 year old sales rep) I've finally signed a contract. If you're considering installing an alarm in your house, let me save you much trouble and bitterness when I tell you:

Go with ADT, the #1 home security company in the country. Duh. Oh, and give them my name as a referral please...I really could use the bonus money after my recent loss of the mega millions.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Things To Do, Places To Go, People to See

I had to go to work today. Somehow, my intuition failed me, yet again, and the mega millions isn't mine.

On a brighter note, we're winding down week 1 and it's about time to start thinking about what week 2 should change in my life. It's funny, because as I start to think about all the challenges I will set myself to this year, several have common threads. For example..."take more pictures" (which I'm thinking may be next?) ties to "get a life and do things...go places...see people..." I just don't want to be the girl that snaps hundreds of pictures of herself, posing in multiple positions, and always including making kissy faces at no one...just doesn't seem natural OR sexy to me.

Based on the misleading certainty of last night's drawing, I think it's safe to say that it would be unrealistic, and a disservice to myself to set "win the lottery" as a 2010 resolution. So with that said, if any readers care to take part in my "get a life" challenge so that I have some decent pictures to take, let me know. We'll do things, go places, and most certainly, see people...

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

A Christmas Miracle

On Christmas, I won the lottery. It was amazing. There I was, sitting with a friend, scratching off our stocking stuffer lottery tickets when suddenly, we won. So excited that it was really happening, I think I blacked out for a hot second. We immediately got in the car and drove up the road to the nearest open and lottery participating gas station we could find. $120 was ours.

That on top of the fact that I'm going to win the Mega Millions. Week after week on Tuesday and Friday, I truly believe that one of these days, the Mega Millions is going to be mine.

After having lunch with a friend the other day (at a delish new-to-me sushi restaurant I never even knew existed!) I learned this could be more difficult than I thought. Turns out, she feels exactly the same way! She feels drawn into 7-11's to buy tickets...just like I do. She sees signs that tell her "You're going to win," just like I do. And she plans her future on her new lottery salary rather than the one she currently has...just like I do. I'm starting to see that gambling might be dangerous, because let me tell you, the chances of me winning are minuscule enough...the chances of us both winning are...well...minuscule-er.

I think about what I would do with a real jackpot. Because let's be real, my share of that $120 barely made it out of the BP. Would I share it? Spend it? Save it? Put a pair of googly eyes on a stack of it and sleep with it? I guess I'll figure it out as soon as my numbers are drawn. 17 minutes left to go of this regular life I live. Tonight is the night. I can just feel it.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Cup of Joke

When you say coffee I say Starbucks. Some say it's too expensive. Some say its too strong. I say, have you had a Pumpkin Spice Latte? I have no problem spending $5 on a drink when a drink truly has the ability to change the course of my day. Yum.

Today, though, I stopped at Teavana. This turned out to be a very bad idea. There I was, heading to my car, when the misery of my cold and cough struck at the very same moment that the apron-clad employee stood, luring me over with a tray of hot tea samples.

If you're not familiar, Teavana is to tea what Saks is to fashion. They sell tons of tea and tea paraphernalia. White, black, green, oolong, rooibus....tea steepers, tea pots, and "perfect tea makers"...did you know there were so many? The store is dangerous because the people who work there are trained on being tricky. They get right into your head and make you feel like tea will change your world. I think it might be a cult.

I left with a cup of some kind of "get rid of my cold" concoction and $25 of bulk tea (just tea!) that I was somehow convinced I needed to take home with me by the devil behind the counter. I am literally having buyer's remorse over tea leaves. At least I got a 10% mall discount? As if being sick hadn't already stolen enough; my sleep, my voice, and my ability to not look like I've been run over by a tractor trailer, now its stolen my money too?!

Without a mall discount, though, I will still continue to be supportive and far from regretful about the hundreds of dollars I give to Starbucks each year. Gingerbread Latte anyone? Worth every penny, every time.

And, I'll pay extra for soy.