Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Tube Tops and Flops

OK so I suck at life. And blogging. But, its not my fault. On March 8th, I wrote this "Tube Tops and Flops" entry and this stupid website saved it after I accidentally deleted it in its entirety.

I'm finally over it and ready to rewrite so here we go...

I am constantly referring to my ever active aging process. Gray hairs and wrinkles are just the visible parts, and more recently the emotional aging began when my 5 year old cousin got his driver's license.

I thought that was the icing on the cake until I went out for drinks. At Batemans. In Towson. Near the college. That's right people. 69 cent bottles, and so I changed out of my leopard print Snuggie and into my stilettos...

Apparently its been a while since I've been to where the cool kids hang out. As I walked into the bar, a nice bouncer man put out his hand, and I, honored, handed him my ID. He shook his head and asked me for a $5 cover instead. Ouch.

I looked around and it seemed kinda lovely...cheap beer, not (overly) crowded, cute bartender...I think I love this place! Fast forward an hour? There was a line out the door with people waiting to get in, and I remembered...the real cool kids don't go out until after 10.

Nosiness kicked in, and I became fascinated with the young life I'd been detached from for so long. To my left, a redhead, probably stoned and definitely wasted, tripping over herself and spitting as she spoke, trying to woo the guy that had just hit on my friend. He had stood just moments before in disbelief when she explained that her "awesome ring" meant she was married.

To my right, this:



(I did the math, and no, the year is not a typo.)

In front of me, I watched as scantily clad girls did phallic things to their beer bottles, while guys watched in awe. Groups of people circled around singing and dancing like no one was watching. Screams and yells sounded when "Single Ladies" came on, and I thought, oh children, if you only knew.

My attention moved quickly to a girl in a black lace embellished tee. She appeared to be there alone as I watched her make her way around the floor trying to befriend/dance inappropriately with anyone that would have her. And they did, for a hot second, until they realized she was kind of a mess.

Later, we had the chance to meet this girl face to face while waiting in the bathroom line as she explained to us that it might be a great idea to just pee in the sink. Oh no dear, after you! Now I'm not saying I didn't have drunk moments of insanity back in my very long time ago day, but is this girl for real? You tell me...



After deciding to avoid the STD's on the toilet seats and not break the seal, we lathered up in antibacterial hand gel and headed back to our friends. I was both shocked and delighted to finally hear a song I knew the words to! Let Me Clear My Throat (uh huh, uh huh!) Now that's a song I'd dance to...except the dance floor was still filled, only now with confused 1989'ers trying to dance to an old school jam they'd never heard before...

And there it was. The moment of clarity. It happened just after noticing the judgemental stares had changed direction and were now headed toward us. Obviously, we had drawn too much attention to ourselves with our rapping and we'd now officially been tagged as the old people. It was time to go. Good thing too, as I feared I was nearing the point of considering alternatives to standing in line for the ladies room.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Pain, Pain, Go Away

I'd love to know the job of the driver of the BMW convertible that's been parked on the street under snow for three weeks in my neighborhood, leaving it impossible to properly plow that entire side of the road.

I'd also love to know what it is that my neighbors upstairs find totally necessary to do at 8am every day. My snooze button (or alarm) hasn't even been necessary this week. Yesterday it was vacuuming. Today I believe they were moving furniture as a part of an aerobics routine. Both days though, I didn't have to be up early, yet both days, I was.

And yet I wonder why my doctor told me my stress and anxiety is too high.

Maybe its customers at my store who insist we sell a product I've never heard of. Or perhaps the hostess at the bar the other night that changed the channel mid-hockey game, questioning, "What, you don't want to watch the Maryland game?" Umm, if I did, I could watch it on the other 37 TV's in here that are showing it. Could also be the fact that the Caps prefer to barely win games most of the time, making every last second an edge of the seat nail biter, rather than just holding a few goal lead.

Could it be the stalker woman from Brick Bodies, who, even after telling her I joined Gold's for half the price, continues to call me on a daily basis? Or the scam artist at work who calls like clockwork every morning, insisting he's from Verizon, yet asked how to dial a number that has letters after referring him to the corporate phone number.

Now that the stress has started to come in the form of physical pain, Doc says I need to regulate and balance it. But without having to tow a car, move, get a new job, stop watching hockey, and change my number...how exactly do I do that?

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

You Snooze, You Lose

Happy March! Two months down in 2010 already, how did that happen? Let's reflect...

After starting the year off with plenty of alcohol and a plan, I entered month two an already changed girl. Writing, reading, picture taking...I continue the attempt to make myself better...

Week one...packing my lunch. Congrats to me, I haven't done half bad. The main key here is I didn't work a whole lot in February, and packing lunch the few days I actually worked was easy. I love snow days.

Week two...laundry. And I'm happy to report, I'm all caught up! That's right...so fresh and so clean. Clean.

Week three...enter positive attitude on dating. Still working on that one. But I've stopped throwing up in mouth every time I think about it, so I'd say that's a huge step in the right direction!

And, week four...eyeshadow. Laugh if you will, but it makes a difference. I look better, and feel better. Especially after my first day of using my new shadows and having the Nordstrom E-Bar guy tell me I had beautiful eyes. Woop!

So. Here we are. March. And the first thing I'm going to do in March? Is stop hitting snooze.

Every night, I set my alarm to factor in the 4 nine minute naps I'll take after I wake up. And every day, by the time I finally get up not well-rested, and annoyed that I took away quality sleep just to wake up and stress about the alarm going off again. So, from now on, I allow myself one snooze per morning, and then, its up out of bed for me. If I don't give myself the time, I won't be able to stay in bed. At least, that's the idea.

As a side note, I had a request to post a happy thought after my recent top ten things I hate. So, here we go...

Top 4 Things I Did Not Hate This Week (Sorry, I can only think of 4.)

4. I got it in my head that I wanted lamps for my end tables. Normally, when I picture something in my head for the house, it takes me months to find/commit to it. But, I drove myself to Target, and not only found lamps, but the last 2, and, mix and match shades, also the last 2, all for under $20 each.

3. I got my bridesmaid dress for next week. I was nervous about the fit since I purposely ordered 2 sizes smaller than measurements suggested (I've done this before, so I thought I'd try to trick the system into a more secure fit right off the bat.) Was relieved (and the other half panicked) when I found out that I had no trouble getting the zipper up, as I did not even have to unzip the dress at all to put it on. Thank gd for seamstresses.

2. I am no longer an old lady living alone with my invisible cats. New roommate moved in, and so far, so fun. Other than the minor detail of the closet collapsing (twice), the move went smoothly.

1. I joined a gym. At the end of January. 2 days later, I was advised by my physical therapist to not use it until they gave me the go ahead. Well, I got the go ahead! No longer wasting $30 a month, me and my new 4-visit trainer Ethan will be pumping some iron at Gold's. I can hardly wait to be surrounded in sweaty meatheads doing bicep curls using their own body weight as I struggle to carry the 10 lb. weights to the mirror...

Time for bed and I can hardly wait to sleep an uninterrupted, extra 27 minutes tomorrow...