Tube Tops and Flops

OK so I suck at life. And blogging. But, its not my fault. On March 8th, I wrote this "Tube Tops and Flops" entry and this stupid website saved it after I accidentally deleted it in its entirety.

I'm finally over it and ready to rewrite so here we go...

I am constantly referring to my ever active aging process. Gray hairs and wrinkles are just the visible parts, and more recently the emotional aging began when my 5 year old cousin got his driver's license.

I thought that was the icing on the cake until I went out for drinks. At Batemans. In Towson. Near the college. That's right people. 69 cent bottles, and so I changed out of my leopard print Snuggie and into my stilettos...

Apparently its been a while since I've been to where the cool kids hang out. As I walked into the bar, a nice bouncer man put out his hand, and I, honored, handed him my ID. He shook his head and asked me for a $5 cover instead. Ouch.

I looked around and it seemed kinda lovely...cheap beer, not (overly) crowded, cute bartender...I think I love this place! Fast forward an hour? There was a line out the door with people waiting to get in, and I remembered...the real cool kids don't go out until after 10.

Nosiness kicked in, and I became fascinated with the young life I'd been detached from for so long. To my left, a redhead, probably stoned and definitely wasted, tripping over herself and spitting as she spoke, trying to woo the guy that had just hit on my friend. He had stood just moments before in disbelief when she explained that her "awesome ring" meant she was married.

To my right, this:



(I did the math, and no, the year is not a typo.)

In front of me, I watched as scantily clad girls did phallic things to their beer bottles, while guys watched in awe. Groups of people circled around singing and dancing like no one was watching. Screams and yells sounded when "Single Ladies" came on, and I thought, oh children, if you only knew.

My attention moved quickly to a girl in a black lace embellished tee. She appeared to be there alone as I watched her make her way around the floor trying to befriend/dance inappropriately with anyone that would have her. And they did, for a hot second, until they realized she was kind of a mess.

Later, we had the chance to meet this girl face to face while waiting in the bathroom line as she explained to us that it might be a great idea to just pee in the sink. Oh no dear, after you! Now I'm not saying I didn't have drunk moments of insanity back in my very long time ago day, but is this girl for real? You tell me...



After deciding to avoid the STD's on the toilet seats and not break the seal, we lathered up in antibacterial hand gel and headed back to our friends. I was both shocked and delighted to finally hear a song I knew the words to! Let Me Clear My Throat (uh huh, uh huh!) Now that's a song I'd dance to...except the dance floor was still filled, only now with confused 1989'ers trying to dance to an old school jam they'd never heard before...

And there it was. The moment of clarity. It happened just after noticing the judgemental stares had changed direction and were now headed toward us. Obviously, we had drawn too much attention to ourselves with our rapping and we'd now officially been tagged as the old people. It was time to go. Good thing too, as I feared I was nearing the point of considering alternatives to standing in line for the ladies room.