Sometimes You Want To Go Where Nobody Knows Your Name

On September 3, I was finally freed from my 3-month eharmony duties.  I kept my end of the deal, met no one, and feel that I've proven my point about the lack of potential boyfriend that the .com's hold for me.  The same day, I got invited to participate in an eharmony free communication weekend, and received an email from cyber competitor, match.com, for a 5 day free trial.  What the hell, I thought...I love free things!

So, I updated my very old profile, and began my search for a soulmate (insert sarcasm here.)  Here's the problem.  I need to move.  Out of 10 pages of what the site describes as "matches," I realized one thing.  I have either A.  dated these people, B. gone to school with these people, or C.  decided previously that I do not want to date these people.  Way too many familiar faces on this website.  Way WAY too many.

But here's the issue.  In trying old fashioned ways of meeting people (i.e. in real life) I have not had much luck.  And by luck I mean I am not being approached by what you'd consider to be an available man.  I've become way too close two too many times to becoming an unintentional homewrecker...

I was sitting at a restaurant/bar a few weeks ago with my roommate.  We'd gotten off of work and decided to be wild vs. lame and actually do something with ourselves for once.  So there we sat, chili garlic edamame and a glass of Malbec within reach, when we got approached by a group of 5 semi-normal looking men.  Semi-normal, taking into consideration the one guy who was teetering with every step, looking like he drank one too many bottles of tequila moments earlier.

So the group of 5 in detail...tattoo guy, button down shirt guy, wine guy, drunk guy (will become vomit guy), and, the other guy.  Tattoo guy and button down shirt guy took an immediate liking to my roommate, and wine guy approached me with a line of "What kind of wine are you drinking, looks like you need a refill, can I buy you one?"  He then proceeded to tell me he can tell me what I'm drinking just by looking at it.  Knowing that I had a rarer form of red this evening, I challenged him.  He failed.  He continued to fail, even after tasting it, obnoxiously, with a swirl, sniff, slurp, and swish.  After finishing it, he insisted that he just buy a bottle for us to share.  Fine by me.

And so we did, shared a really good bottle of wine, and, to my surprise, conversation.  Wait just a minute, I thought to myself...a nice, normal, single guy in a bar, really?  I must be crazy, but this seems to be going great!  During the few hours of chat, the rest of the crew split off around us...tattoo guy and button down shirt guy stayed with my roommate, wine guy, drunk guy, and the other guy with me.  Somewhere during all of this, drunk guy left, threw up on himself, and then washed his shirt in the bathroom sink.  Button down shirt guy had the brilliant idea of trading shirts with him, so now vomit guy was wearing a too tight button down shirt, and button down shirt guy was wearing an inside out and soaking wet t-shirt.  And no, I am not kidding.

Previously known as button down shirt guy comes over and says "Shauna, vomit guy wants your number, he really likes you but he's just drunk and shy and won't ask you himself."  Umm, no.  So politely, I declined.  Almost immediately, wine guy gets defensive.  "What, he wants her number?  Are you kidding dude, that's not cool, we've been talking all night."  And the page turner of the night, the other guy, a man of few, but always important words says "What do you care, you're married." 

Annnnnd, done.  Not only was he married, but, he was a newlywed.  AND, in a super dirtball move, he had switched his wedding ring to his index finger on his right hand.  Fantastic.

Then, more recently...the guy at work.

I was helping out in Columbia mall this past week when a guy and his mom came shopping.  After they left, he returned, alone this time.  Oh jeez, please don't return that hair product...you look so much better now than you did before I styled your hair!  But no, he was not returning to return.  He was simply back to let me know that he liked talking to me and thought it would be a great idea to give me his business card so we could talk again.  Umm, ok!  Now THIS is how you meet people, look at me go!  We talked some more, and got on the topic, somehow, of hockey.  He asked if I was a Caps fan, and then proceeded to tell me that he and his family are huge Caps fans.  Then he said "Yeah, but my girlfriends family is from Pittsburgh so...." and his voice trailed off into an "oh sh*t" kind of place.  Really?  Really!  What is with these people?? 

I think I have nothing left to say... except for maybe I really should consider moving?  Here, a large percentage of my online matches are people I already know, and those I meet in real life face-to-face scenarios all seem to be married, taken, or 80.  I won't get into detail about that guy but let's just say he wasn't an option...fml.