Desperate-er Housewife

The more I read (and re-read and re-read) my college essay, the more I realize how long its been since I wrote it. 

A friend pointed out another fault with my essay...I'd assumed that I'd receive a paper invitation to the reunion.  Formal invite, asking for my attendance.  Reply card and everything.  But, no.  I was invited simply by Facebook.  I received a friend request from my class president, followed by an immediate event invitation where I could reply electronically, and also post comments on the event wall.  Maybe by the time I get married, it'll be totally normal to just text a date and time and just skip the whole invitation process in general.

Also.  I'd imagined a prom like reunion (again, I'll refer to Romy and Michelle...great movie if you haven't seen it, by the way) in the high school gym/auditorium.  We'd all meet back in the place where we originally formed our cliques, and reminisce as we walked through the overly decorated halls of a place we now knew as our alma mater.  But, no.  Our reunion was held at Power Plant Live, where I frequented too often during college.  Often enough that I didn't feel the need to visit again.  Not even for my reunion.

12 years.  Have I really changed that much in 12 years?  I don't feel like its been that long, and I certainly don't feel like I've really done much in all that time.  But, during my first day off in over a week, I decided to be productive, and I continued to discover what 12 years really means...

At 17, on a day off, I might have slept until noon.  Then, I would have driven to Dunks for a blueberry coffee.  From there, I might have spent the day with my friends driving around in my silver Saturn, getting a manicure, going to the mall, and then trespassing after hours on a school playground.  After that I might have gone to a party, where clearly parents were present.

Yesterday, I did this...

I woke up at 8:30am and forced my self to fake sleep for another half hour.  I got up, made my own coffee via Keurig in the kitchen.  As I drank it, I threw a load of laundry in the washer, got dressed, and drove to Columbia to meet my friend and her two kids at Target.  I bought a box of cereal and some laundry detergent, and then drank Starbucks while attempting to maintain sanity amongst her two kids. 

From there, I drove back home, moved laundry from wash to dry, and threw another load in.  Then I cleaned the kitchen.  Deciding to take a break, I sat on the couch to watch an "On Demand" episode of a recently discovered favorite show, How I Met Your Mother.  I saw my own future as I watched the episode where Ted goes on a blind date with a girl who he realizes, he's already blind dated 7 years prior. 

Realizing I hadn't eaten, I poured a bowl of my newly purchased cereal.  It got soggy as I'd already poured the milk when I, A. Bought cheaper Target brand cereal because I've become my mother, and B. Realized I needed to swap the laundry again because, I've become my mother.

I decided to have soup instead.  Because there was some left over, I searched for a tupperware container to save the rest when I realized, I have lids that have no matching container, and vice versa!  How does that happen?  Where does it go?  Well this was just not ok,  so, begin project "match lids to container and throw away the rest."  Riveting.

That was essentially my day.  So this morning, after folding my final load of laundry, I sat down with my coffee to finally watch this weeks Modern Family (seriously, if you don't watch this show you have to...I literally lol'd for nearly the entire episode).  In one of the scenes, Claire, mom of three kids over the age of 10, realizes she has mismatched tupperware, and so she begins the same project I completed yesterday.  

Somehow, in the midst of the last 12 years, I've skipped the regular steps of husband and kids part, and went straight to becoming my very own desperate housewife.  Lucky for me, not only do I still have my grandmother offering to pay for more time online soulmate searching, but my mother, even while vacationing in California, full time searching for my husband offline.  Every day, my parents send me an email with a picture of something in CA.  Yesterday, it was a picture of them lunching in Laguna Beach, the day before, my dad living his dream on a Pebble Beach golf course.  Today? 

Email subject line:  Good Looking Men. 
Email:  Your mother sending this for you. SWAT Team. 
Picture:

As much as I've started to become my mother, I vow to never go this far...she likes the one in the black t-shirt.  And yes, she said "Excuse me, you're very cute, can I take a picture of you to send to my single daughter in Baltimore?"   Hopefully she followed it with "But she's very good at cleaning and doing laundry..."

One Enchanted Evening

"The lights dimmed as music from the late 90's hummed in the background.  I stepped into the auditorium, took a quick look around, and scanned for familiar faces.  Disappointed, I pivoted and started to the steps.

"Diet coke please," I requested politely.  Already needing fresh air, I took my drink and headed back out through the double doors.  I took a seat on what used to be my favorite bench, and placed my soda next to me.  Last night, I sat awake in my bed, stared at the ceiling, as so many things ran through my mind.  I'd envisioned the invitation that now sat on the nightstand beside my bed.  "The class of nineteen hundred and ninety nine cordially invites you to share an Enchanted Evening, May 21, 2009, for its 10 Year Reunion." 

It was interesting to me, and somewhat scary, that so much time had passed since I'd seen so many people I'd once called my friends.  What have other people done with their lives?  Would my real life meet up to the expectations people had for me?  I felt as though I'd just stepped out of Romy and Michelle's own high school reunion.  Would people believe I'd invented Post-Its?

I still haven't come up with the perfect way to describe my life.  My teaching career is everything I could ask for.  I work in an elementary school near home, teaching 2nd grade to a great group of kids.  My husband is a successful journalist, writing for the local newspaper where we live in Amherst, Massachusetts.  And, with two beautiful children, a dog, and a house with everything but the white picket fence, I have everything I've always wanted.

Thinking about this as I sat outside the reunion, on my favorite bench, just me and my diet coke, I realized something I hadn't before.  I'm happy, and even though I haven't done anything particularly amazing, I've done everything I'd set out to do. 

It was then that I wanted to share how far I'd come with everyone I bumped into.  So with that, I stood up, and walked back through the double doors, more ready than ever to have that enchanted evening with the people who awaited me in the dimmed auditorium."

That was a college essay I wrote in 1998 to the theme of , "Where do you hope to be in 10 years time?"  It's funny (and also depressing?) about how wrong I was about the life I'd imagined for myself back then. 

A teacher?  I'd made it exactly one semester in the education program before I realized that if I ever was going to have kids, I couldn't spend my entire days working with other people's.   

A husband?  Not much need to delve further into this I don't think.

Kids?  No thanks, not now.  Maybe one day?  No promises, Mom.

Massachusetts?  I'm guessing this was my essay for UMass Amherst, and yes, I did get in.  And maybe had I gone there, I might have relocated (or have a husband?) but I chickened out, stayed local, and went to Towson U instead.  Now that I think about it, I haven't even been to Massachusetts...

So clearly, my psychic abilities failed me at 18 and I got it all wrong.  And in an effort to get my life back on track this year, I created this "Mark My Words" page.  Now, I realize that I've done a terrible job at resolutioning after June. That said, I've also realized that its close to impossible to make so many significant changes in a year. Its not an easy thing to realize that your life isn't where you thought it would be. And its not an easy thing to figure out, and point out, all the things that are wrong with your life, (even if its just the fact that you can't keep up with your laundry) all while giving yourself a time limit.

I'm going to spend the next few months refocusing on this. Although that was the idea from the beginning, I think I went about it the wrong way, and have proof that it was considering that I feel less progressed than I did on New Years Day, and have epically failed at resolutioning and documenting.  So game back on.  No pressure on myself, as I'm not promising weekly changes.  But, I can assure me, and you, that I plan to make the best of the end of 2010.  And, as things progress, I will share.

As I'm sitting here typing and drinking my Bailey's and coffee, I've also just realized another thing I was wrong about in 1998.  Most incorrectly, I'd imagined that in ten years, in a stressful situation, I'd order a diet coke to calm me down?  Ha.  So so very wrong...

Sometimes You Want To Go Where Nobody Knows Your Name

On September 3, I was finally freed from my 3-month eharmony duties.  I kept my end of the deal, met no one, and feel that I've proven my point about the lack of potential boyfriend that the .com's hold for me.  The same day, I got invited to participate in an eharmony free communication weekend, and received an email from cyber competitor, match.com, for a 5 day free trial.  What the hell, I thought...I love free things!

So, I updated my very old profile, and began my search for a soulmate (insert sarcasm here.)  Here's the problem.  I need to move.  Out of 10 pages of what the site describes as "matches," I realized one thing.  I have either A.  dated these people, B. gone to school with these people, or C.  decided previously that I do not want to date these people.  Way too many familiar faces on this website.  Way WAY too many.

But here's the issue.  In trying old fashioned ways of meeting people (i.e. in real life) I have not had much luck.  And by luck I mean I am not being approached by what you'd consider to be an available man.  I've become way too close two too many times to becoming an unintentional homewrecker...

I was sitting at a restaurant/bar a few weeks ago with my roommate.  We'd gotten off of work and decided to be wild vs. lame and actually do something with ourselves for once.  So there we sat, chili garlic edamame and a glass of Malbec within reach, when we got approached by a group of 5 semi-normal looking men.  Semi-normal, taking into consideration the one guy who was teetering with every step, looking like he drank one too many bottles of tequila moments earlier.

So the group of 5 in detail...tattoo guy, button down shirt guy, wine guy, drunk guy (will become vomit guy), and, the other guy.  Tattoo guy and button down shirt guy took an immediate liking to my roommate, and wine guy approached me with a line of "What kind of wine are you drinking, looks like you need a refill, can I buy you one?"  He then proceeded to tell me he can tell me what I'm drinking just by looking at it.  Knowing that I had a rarer form of red this evening, I challenged him.  He failed.  He continued to fail, even after tasting it, obnoxiously, with a swirl, sniff, slurp, and swish.  After finishing it, he insisted that he just buy a bottle for us to share.  Fine by me.

And so we did, shared a really good bottle of wine, and, to my surprise, conversation.  Wait just a minute, I thought to myself...a nice, normal, single guy in a bar, really?  I must be crazy, but this seems to be going great!  During the few hours of chat, the rest of the crew split off around us...tattoo guy and button down shirt guy stayed with my roommate, wine guy, drunk guy, and the other guy with me.  Somewhere during all of this, drunk guy left, threw up on himself, and then washed his shirt in the bathroom sink.  Button down shirt guy had the brilliant idea of trading shirts with him, so now vomit guy was wearing a too tight button down shirt, and button down shirt guy was wearing an inside out and soaking wet t-shirt.  And no, I am not kidding.

Previously known as button down shirt guy comes over and says "Shauna, vomit guy wants your number, he really likes you but he's just drunk and shy and won't ask you himself."  Umm, no.  So politely, I declined.  Almost immediately, wine guy gets defensive.  "What, he wants her number?  Are you kidding dude, that's not cool, we've been talking all night."  And the page turner of the night, the other guy, a man of few, but always important words says "What do you care, you're married." 

Annnnnd, done.  Not only was he married, but, he was a newlywed.  AND, in a super dirtball move, he had switched his wedding ring to his index finger on his right hand.  Fantastic.

Then, more recently...the guy at work.

I was helping out in Columbia mall this past week when a guy and his mom came shopping.  After they left, he returned, alone this time.  Oh jeez, please don't return that hair product...you look so much better now than you did before I styled your hair!  But no, he was not returning to return.  He was simply back to let me know that he liked talking to me and thought it would be a great idea to give me his business card so we could talk again.  Umm, ok!  Now THIS is how you meet people, look at me go!  We talked some more, and got on the topic, somehow, of hockey.  He asked if I was a Caps fan, and then proceeded to tell me that he and his family are huge Caps fans.  Then he said "Yeah, but my girlfriends family is from Pittsburgh so...." and his voice trailed off into an "oh sh*t" kind of place.  Really?  Really!  What is with these people?? 

I think I have nothing left to say... except for maybe I really should consider moving?  Here, a large percentage of my online matches are people I already know, and those I meet in real life face-to-face scenarios all seem to be married, taken, or 80.  I won't get into detail about that guy but let's just say he wasn't an option...fml.

The Lesser of Two Evils

I know. It's been a really, really, REALLY long time since my last post. However, in my defense, I'd been sans internet since July 10 and work somewhere that has a firewall designed for criminals.

But, lucky for you (and luckier for me), now that I have cut my ties with Verizon, (who, for the record, is the devil) my internet is working again and I'm full of things to write about. For example, let's talk about how much I hate Verizon.

I hate Verizon. Simply stated, harshly felt, HATE.

After deciding to upgrade my service to include long distance and faster internet, the upgrade resulted in no internet at all. For over a month. Until the point that I was driven to such I hatred, I have now become a 100% Comcast household, the lesser of two evils for sure. I hate Verizon.

Two days off of work sitting and waiting for a technician, hours and hours on hold, only to partake in frustrating, pointless phone calls to tech support, and still, no internet. I hate Verizon.

I was unable to do anything. Couldn't pay or view bills online, which as an eco-friendly paperless bill receiver, is an issue. Instead, I had to pay "convenience fees" to make my payments by phone instead. My wasted e-harmony money is even more wasted now because I couldn't even pretend to want to check my latest daily matches, and my Netflix account became pointless because I couldn't watch free movies online. Oh, and I couldn't blog. I hate Verizon.

Not only are they by far the worst utility company to deal with, but they are stupid. As if it wasn't bad enough that it takes the better part of an hour just to speak to a human, they make you continuously angrier as you sit, and wait. "For trouble with your internet, press 1." 1. "If you are unable to connect to the internet, press 1." 1. "Please hold." Holding.

27 minutes of elevator music later, "All of our operators are still assisting other customers. Did you know you can get faster service by visiting www.verizon.com, 24 hours a day?" Umm, yes. Yes I did. Which is why I'm trying to have you fix it. Because the internet makes things faster. But unfortunately Verizon, I pressed 1 because I am having trouble connecting to the freaking internet, so I cannot visit your freaking website!

And now, although I have working cable, phone, and internet, all not through them, its not over yet...I just received my final amount due, which includes charges of $70 for the "free" wireless router that came with my upgrade, another $70 for a second wireless router that I obviously would not have needed, and, full service charges for the month of July.  I tried to log in to my verizon.com account to view the specifics of the bill and to make a payment, but apparently, am unable to view bills online now that I have closed my account.  Excuse me while I go waste several more hours of my life on hold, only to lose it on the possessed billing rep who will likely tell me to visit the online site for faster service.