eHarmoNOT

"What are you doing on a dating site? You are smart, funny and gorgeous!!!"  This was not a comment made to me, but a comment directly copied and pasted from a comment on Facebook to a friend of mine who, against all of my advice, has joined eHarmony. 

First, this comment sent me into a spiral of fury and rage.  Then it made me actually hate a total stranger who clearly has never had to date in her adult life.  More than I hate the people who say "How are you still single?" 

I'll tell you how...

1.  If you are an adult male who frequently takes shirtless selfies, don't post them on your dating profile.  You know what this tells me?  You're a douchebag.  Or maybe you just really like the way you look.  That's awesome.  But unless I'm requesting to see you without a shirt on in your kitchen, wear a shirt.

2.  "Sup" is not an email.  This tells me you can't think of ANYTHING to say, and since I've already been on a date with someone who spoke 5 words in 2 hours, I'm not interested. 

3.  There, their, they're.  Your, you're.  To, too.  I realize I shouldn't let this get in the way of love, because according to the aforementioned friend of a friend, smart people aren't using the internet for dating.  Not to mention, do you not have a computer with spell check? 

4.  What does "drinks only on special occasions" even mean?  More importantly, who only drinks on special occasions? What you might mean..."I only drink during appropriate occasions."  What I hear?  "I once took a sip of sacramental wine at church."  Unless "Friday" counts as a special occasion, don't talk to me. 

5.  So you've traveled to cool places.  Talk about that in your "about me" section. Or...in the email you send me instead of "Sup."  Don't upload your entire Shutterfly album of pictures (without you in them) of all the sites you've seen from around the world.  I have Google.

6.  If you've been married before, that's ok.  That's why they give you the option to select "Divorced." and me the option to say I don't care.  However, I don't  need to see the picture from your wedding day as your profile picture.  I am not looking for a sister wife.

7.  Is your best friend a girl?  That's nice.  I have a lot of guy friends.  But I don't post pictures of them licking/kissing my face, holding my hand, gazing at me lovingly, etc.  I see this on your profile, I think "player." I don't play games.  Oh, and I'm way too old to date someone who forces me to use the word "player."

8.  Don't "nudge" me.  I don't want to be nudged physically, and electronically is just annoying.  Really?  You're pushy and we haven't even talked?  That sounds like a dream relationship.  And by dream relationship, I mean, in your dreams.  Go "nudge" someone else.

9.  Internet dating does not give you the right to act like a complete dirtball.  If you are looking to exchange dirty pictures, or "sext" with complete strangers, there are websites you don't have to pay for.  Also, I can't believe I'm the only woman to think a picture of your...my mom reads my blog...is unattractive.  And no, I do not want to "play."

10.  When you are given the opportunity to write your own question to one of your matches, don't ask "How far are you willing to go on the first date?"  I'm sorry, but do you want that answer in baseball terms, since obviously we are 14 and about to make out in your parents basement?

I was going to sort these into a Top 10 kind of order but I'm having difficulty deciding what's the worst of the list.  I'll let you decide.  That said, I still think the Facebook comment was ridiculous and it's even more obvious to me now that the "smart, funny, and gorgeous" people who she thinks don't belong online need more help than ever finding someone in a world filled with idiots.